2.26.07

No longer having to exaggerate
the situation is bleak

every day
the air gets thicker
making it harder to breathe
harder to see
to speak
to feel anything
but tacky skin

every day
there is more
to weigh us down
to cumber

they want lettuce
that we don't have

to raise a daughter

she never taught me how
not to give myself away
she couldn't have even if she wanted
that was a skill she did not possess
I can see that now

I will teach them not to fall for
the first man who sees them
to keep their power
and in quite moments ensure it's growth

they are wonderful
they are powerful

we are wonderful
we are powerful

I am wonderful
I am powerful

we won't give it away
you can't take it

Attrition

The night lies crimson in your wake.

My hand lies alone, naked and trembling.

Your touch once like silk

has roughened to tree bark.

Passion has taken its toll on you, tossed your breath,

floured and rolled it with a heavy pin.

The other girls:

Did they know your heart?

Did they know it was buried deep in my chest?

Were their arms soft like angel’s wings?

blanketing you complete,

concealing scars inflicted by silent hands?

Forgive me-

                   I wasn’t enough. (2000)

Working Through

I peel away scabs soon as they form

Watching the blood bead and fall

Pouring over the letters I still can't make them out

Of course this is about me

Of course I don't run his show

And fuck you for saying so

Aren't you tired of lashing out

Stings and burns

Blisters and scars

I miss what hurts me most

It's so fucked

And it's no mystery to me

The less I talk, the more I think

The more I miss

The more I dream of reconciliation

and memories of sunsets

(thank god for distractions)

She's under my skin

I allowed it years ago

Now she shakes my confidence

Precipitates doubt and questioning

What motivation had I for any of it

What's my motivation now

So scared of what comes next

That I've handled it wrong

Been scared before, but not of change 

Things did get easier

After I took control

Removed myself from equations

Walked away from love

Toothache has now replaced pebbles in my shoe

Nobody has won

exercises in surrender

I think much of letting go
some things are easier than others
letting go of pain: easy (with practice)
letting go of things: easy (with practice)
of all that no longer serves me 
now how to let go of things we want kept
when those things want to walk away
same as the others I suppose
practice
exercises in surrender

not alone but left behind

not alone but left behind
flock scattered
but a few
the quiet one
didn't ask the others to stay
(now they are all "others")
They didn't ask anything
she has the only voice now
the birds flock
they forget 
but a few
I'm fairly certain birds don't cry
I only cry in dreams 
and rainy days suffice
I want to call the fall a slippery slope
of crossed lines, blurred vision
I want to say it could have happened to anyone
with a beating heart
love happens to us sometimes
and other times we choose it
either way it could destroy us all
she has the only voice now
the birds flock
they forget
but a few

is it any wonder the quiet one has flown?

splintered

integrity
to remain true to yourself
when there are no mirrors left
cycles of betrayal
no room for misunderstanding
unnecessary explanations
distrust
broken
no more
no more
I don't remember how
life before them
before her
exhausted
I'll figure it out
.