I want to be that muse again

Christmas Eve you walked in the snow
beside the frozen interstate
miles to my door
you didn't even know I'd accept you there

I could have run to another country and
you would have met me

You were always there to scoop me up
feed me confidence
remind me of me

I laid all my possessions at your feet
I followed you
and you did the same
to the ends of the earth

it is silly of me to expect that love again
greedy and ungracious to be looking for it here

I can't follow you

consequence

I noticed it first when
I thought of you
and that thought caused sinking
like swallowing a piece of ice whole
and that thought caused tightening
like the knot in your guts proceeding vomit
next withought conscious thought
those feelings blew away on the wind
that pain
was simply gone
drifted away leaving a blank space
and there I was walking
in the grayest field

I don't want to get stuck here

affection

purposely
thoughtfully
I am in a moment
actively
precisely
recording it in my mind:
today it was your face
brand new
as a child upon waking
it was mingled contours
it was indecipherable bodies
it was the morning sun
filtering through my blinds
warming my face
painting our world gold

this is one of the moments I will chose to recall
when my grandchildren ask if I have had a happy life

this is the love that I have woven into my self

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

Each step is made in love.

Today I wonder,
does my past intimidate?
I once felt as used goods
then yesterday I realized
I've lived,
fully.
I think of all my possible paths,
the ways my life could've gone
the house in Carrollwood
the wedding at nineteen
the husbands
the five year old, the threes- children who could have been,
would have been if things had gone differently.
I think of the love-
so much love
given
received
taken.
Every choice mine,
theirs
(His?)...
every event
every step leading to today.
My life : woman, widow, mother, girlfriend.
I revolve around love
and continue to do so.

Each step is made in love
and the one thing we can know for certain
is nothing is ever certain.

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

remembering your love

I met you as this bird
awaiting her moment of freedom
in a second I arose

you did not change me
you did not create me

you showed me
me

you saw in me what I could not

my mirror

you challenged me to trust in me

gave me the space to try it out,
to walk and stumble
to run, to crawl

to fly

our little birthday girl

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl


it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

a fake death

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

Thoughts on the first X

I wanna ask you
do you ever sit and wonder
it's so strange that we could be together
for so long and never know never care
what goes on in the other one's head
things i thought that i never said
you said things that i never said so
i'll say something that i should have said
long ago

You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me

You coulda just propped me up at the table like a mannequin
or a cardboard standup and give me
any face that you wanted me to be seen
we're damned by the existential moment
when we saw the couple in the coma
and it was weakened witht he cliche
but we carried on anyway

so sure i could just close my eyes
yeah sure trace and memorize
but can you go back once you know

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

if i'm the person who you say i am
clueless chump you seem to think i am
so ? let it straight and your'e a dog
who cassionally escapes and needs a shorter leash
i thought would you want me back
maybe it's because...

you don't know me at all

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

so i think i'm tryna say this
what i'm tryna tell you is
not gonna come out right
don't wanna say it cause i know you'll only change it (change it, change it)

lyrics by Ben Folds

mothridden

what started out whole
is bitten and torn

missing pieces
I make my family

wishes make poor companions

I want to be well
am I well?

I want you to be well
please be well

be well for you
be well for her
she needs you

and I don't know what I need
-not that you asked

I look in the mirror and I wish
I wish I was beautiful again
I wish my belly was round
and high
and he was here to love us

I wish I didn't cry
every night

I wish you didn't feel pity

I wish I could feel

I wish I could touch

I wish I could see

I wish I was stronger
don't I?

I wish I

I wish I could let go
of so much

I wish there was something more real
than wishes to keep me company tonight

but love is gone

and the cool night wind

I have memories
tangled in Orion's belt

they are chilly
and smell of red wine

new
sweet
and complicated

softening
what could have been sharp

I'm thankful
I'm gracious

for time given to
shared with
me
and the cool night wind

warm lights and the scent of flowers

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

Lasting Impressions

photo courtesy of S~revenge
Last kisses are sneaky
little tender spies
variety unknown
until it's too late
until it's over

Ladies let this teach us
treat each kiss like your last
savor the sweet
live in each meeting of the lips

maintain your secret smile
with their memory

and tend to bruises another day

Know all your enemies

When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets  Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops  with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops  Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with  fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park  thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place  Make your smile sweet
to see  Don't you take this away  I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies  And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean

But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

and I pretend he's coming home soon

He loved me just the way I was He loved me already before I knew him I loved him the same loved him before paths crossed before words stumbled
before our coffee ground romance He loved to come home finding me perched in a chair reading, sipping tea or writing, feverishly
He liked me best in my own element

Today as I sit perched in a chair
reading next to a open window
the breeze playing with my hair
I think about his love for me

and I pretend he's coming home soon




photo courtesy of JcOlivera