a gift of forgiveness Lonely and tired
Tired of lonely
Wishing someone shivered when I passed
wishing to see the flush of a face
stop blending into the walls
when did I become the nice girl
finishing last
impressionless
I want to give butterflies
And I promise to return the favor
For a little while
I’ll care for you
For a little while
It’s all I can spare
When the attraction I have
Is to affairs with visible endings
I can't handle any more shock
goodbyes are never fun
Never fine
And I’m tired of saying it
I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will
And there are impossible shoes to fill
I want you and I don’t want you
Ignoring the red flags I pressed on
only now I’m unafraid
to say it hurt
to say
that I hate he got to me
if you come around
don’t get too comfortable
this won’t last
but I’ll treat you like a king while it does
as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near
photo courtesy of S~revenge
When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place Make your smile sweet
to see Don't you take this away I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean
But don't hate her when she gets up to leave
somewhere tonight
she is smiling
he is biting his lip
face to face
they say the things not meant to be said
eye to eye
they rule the world
with chilled knees and bare feet
libidos and crossed wires
somewhere tonight
red wine breathes
she is thinking of him
too much
he is not here
he is not anywhere
somewhere tonight
she wants too much
expects too much
let’s too much go
somewhere tonight
electrical resistance is being charted
because he wants her
and she wants him
her skin red like clove cherries
Photo courtesy of Juergen Kurlvink
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud
choose to blossom
always do
risk the elements
it is in my nature
our nature
we are not so different
I can see your eyes in mine
my face in your face
my skin may be softer
but we split just the same
bleed just the same
consider the homunculus
life desires living
and acts accordingly
flailing about,
lighting fires,
planning escape into warm soil
We don't want to hide away, we want to live.
My recipe for living:
guts
careful planning
wild actions
self- preservation
healthy mental landscape
the will to live
is the will to love
Sketch by Nicolaas Hartsoeker
