making perfect

practice being friends
practice ignoring the fire in my stomach
that IGNITES
each time we hang up, seperate

what exactly am I hiding away today
what may resonate by burying emotion
turning the spigot to the right
I worry about consequences

I may become like the rest
not out of want
but out of necessity

let's face it
priorities shift
and what I need right now is simplicity
routine
ambition
success

love can find me for a change

I listen to you hang up...

my heart sinks

I ask the air

why is love the most important thing to me?
why does it matter above all else?

My head spins

I close my eyes 'til sleep comes.

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

Während mein Körper hier ist, ist mein Herz dort...

While my body is here, my heart is there...

Time spent waiting is a bittersweet garden.

Each moment spent apart
makes each moment spent in communion
much sweeter; more rare.

These obstacles are purely physical,
a test of our resources.

Honestly, seventy four miles has never felt so far away.

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

Never Done Wearing Black

Cry until you puke baby
scream
and wail
and wail
and scream

hate me for my mistakes
and love me fiercely
love me forever

quite possiby lost

since you've gone
chances were taken
none too carefully
friendships strained
some broke repairable?
connections made
lost
severed
and on some days missed

who am I?

what am I now?

I'm struggling to find
me without you
struggling to meet my own needs

I find myself pulling in
pulling back
growing a little less warm
and I don't like it
but how else do I get on
day to day?

I crave connections
but can only offer so little
my heart's not in it
and that only brings
disappointment

I'm not the bad guy

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

a fake death

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

minding shapes

the clouds
they make shapes
take shapes
of lovers on their backs
giggling
holding hands
smiling
I want to be happy for them
while my world turns green




photo courtesy of Ferran

wanderlust

home
my heart is in my chest presumably

life in Tampa
is like a party I wasn't invited to

my sentences disjoint of late
my head is heavy, stuffy, cloudy
my toes are chilly

I'm at square one
not wanting to go it alone

inside
I'm throwing myself onto the floor
as a child
kicking my feet
banging fists
swinging limbs
crying
screaming
I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

photo courtesy of LuLuP

sensitivity

I feel them looking
and not seeing
spotting my form
spotting my child
spotting the missing ring
missing the band on my right
they don't know
what it means

and their judging burns holes through me
and I want to scream
you don't know me
and I think to myself
why do I care

mothridden

what started out whole
is bitten and torn

missing pieces
I make my family

rocks in my pockets

weighted down
my heavy soul
wanting bright eyes
working towards the confidence to smile
to show the light
I know it's there
my friends tell me

a ship with no harbor

every night of loneliness
feels like the first
the pain
the sting
may never dull
I find no comfort here
I could call
you wouldn't come
shouldn't come
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor
are temporary band aids any good?
should I ask you
to aid in the healing
I'm not sure
and I'll never know
because decisions have been made
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor

Oracle

My question :
where is honesty safe
here?
probably not.

I think back on where it was last safe
where it wasn't used to sting
manipulate
control

I try and recreate the moment
but my trusted hearts are gone
one component remains
myself
and integrity

my question remains the same
where is honesty safe?

4 'oclock rain

it seems words
no longer assist
but destroy
where now does my
soul rest

pale and willful

If this wandering
takes 40 years
I will wake up
and old maid

which way is out of this desert
where my skin burns
my belly aches
sun-sick

too willful
for sunscreen

spell it out

words fail
broken sentences
run away
language come back
you 26 are all I have