tempting more change

Today I ask:

Why do my happiness and sadness walk holding hands?
Why do grief and joy run circles around my knees like children at play?

Why if I take one in must I take them both?
Why if I let one out, do they run after one another?

This year, lets try experiencing happiness without sadness creeping in and overshadowing.
Let's try.

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

personal energy

in. ten. tion : to determine to act in a certain way

ac.tion : a thing done ; the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition


With the best intentions
you try your best
but what happens when
your best isn't what I need
I find my energy stores are low
daily depleted by grief
life
taking care

I need a soul that will feed mine
send that energy back my way

I know
some point soon
I'm going to have to give you less
if your best
doesn't shine through

I know
I haven't given you much
just daydreams
just thoughts

Thinking and daydreaming make me smile
and so do you in the spirit of my honesty

I'm all
dry throats and shiny teeth

and I like it

quite possiby lost

since you've gone
chances were taken
none too carefully
friendships strained
some broke repairable?
connections made
lost
severed
and on some days missed

who am I?

what am I now?

I'm struggling to find
me without you
struggling to meet my own needs

I find myself pulling in
pulling back
growing a little less warm
and I don't like it
but how else do I get on
day to day?

I crave connections
but can only offer so little
my heart's not in it
and that only brings
disappointment

I'm not the bad guy

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

sensitivity

I feel them looking
and not seeing
spotting my form
spotting my child
spotting the missing ring
missing the band on my right
they don't know
what it means

and their judging burns holes through me
and I want to scream
you don't know me
and I think to myself
why do I care

healthy dash of cynicism

the human condition
never more simple
more complicated

can you trim the fat
and turn inward
while expressing outward
expressing love unconditionally

can you love
and
be human

is it because you are human
that you love

is it tenderness that turns you inward

so much love
so much pain because of

accept destruction
as part of it all
accept chaos
as part of it all
it's all in you and you are in it all

can you see the beauty
in the simplest complications

can you see all things at all times

it is time to accept
the darkness and the light

because you are only human
because you are human
be human

it's all you can be
it's not an excuse

it's beautiful

Falling Out Before Ever Falling In

the language of lovers turned acquaintances
dwindles to nothing
all dwindles to nothing
and nothing ever ends
hopeful and disheartening

going back

lately I reminisce
remembering how as a child
wrapped in a warm towel clean after a bath
I would point my nose to the ceiling and shake my head slowly back and forth tickle my spine with the ends of my blond wisps
and wish my mom would let me grow out my hair
I seek to reconnect with such simple pleasures
I see my own daughter examine a dried leaf
she watches it tumbling
driven by the breeze
to be enraptured by something so simple
I want to be that intent focused on enjoying the small
I wonder how we went from aching for the simple thrill of finding your hand in another's grasp
to wanting so much more flesh
almost insatiably
and I wonder
how does one go back

Oracle

My question :
where is honesty safe
here?
probably not.

I think back on where it was last safe
where it wasn't used to sting
manipulate
control

I try and recreate the moment
but my trusted hearts are gone
one component remains
myself
and integrity

my question remains the same
where is honesty safe?

4 'oclock rain

it seems words
no longer assist
but destroy
where now does my
soul rest

pale and willful

If this wandering
takes 40 years
I will wake up
and old maid

which way is out of this desert
where my skin burns
my belly aches
sun-sick

too willful
for sunscreen

The "F" word

I set my head to spinning
convince myself it's ok
find a place to focus
and you'll keep from being dizzy

feel all the feelings
feel
all
feelings

ride the ride

invest
in
me

invest in happiness

let the spinning set me to smiling

swallow it up

these are the tough days
the rough days

the tenderest times

just get through
Red eyed and blue

pull it out
string the words on the line
air the laundry
let the neighbors see the stains

the broken bits
can be mended
once the spinning stops

I've been avoiding
Red rimmed eyes

they are like hers
but not so Silent

how many holes in this dam
before the whole thing crumbles
crashes
water rushing
crushing

will I drown?

with no one to save me
I better learn to float

face up
watch the sky
see the sun
feel the sun

let the stars lead
they shine like I should

like I used to
when I reflected you

can we still shine
with you so far away?

in our next life
when we fall again
please feel all the feelings


photo courtesy of DOS82

Cathexis

I WANT THE WORLD
I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD
I WANT TO LOCK IT ALL UP IN MY POCKET
IT'S MY BAR OF CHOCOLATE

Libido pins me to the floor



cool down
you'd think it be easy
in weather like this

yet the son burns Red
desire ignites
proof of or confused with Freud's Conatus

hidden things are toyed with

things once lost are found

voice, where are you?

am I nearing a dead end?

creativity flows
and
I wonder

fingerprints

I torture myself with their words

Watch the calendar

Hide from connection

Afraid of drowning

Look away
Look away
Look away

Run

Take away choices

Extinguish or dance