Prayer

May my heart of longing
be transformed
to a heart of gratitude.

Falling Stars

I have

dark circles under my eyes
dishes in the sink

crayons in the carpet

beers in the fridge

I have


feelings that won't quit
that I can't drown
that creep up

I want

to be held
to be safe
to be secure
to believe

to know
that after all the guests are gone
you'll stay.

ignorance

hey boy
come over here
I'll let you put your arms around me

hey boy
lets go for a stroll
I'll let you hold my hand

hey boy
forget what they told you

and stay the sickness away

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

Blasphemy

Love, go away
tight chest
shallow breathes
Love, go away
un-welcomed guest
Love, go away

I am done with you today.

i want to write about everything

i want you to take me canoeing
pack a picnic
gather the Hippies
head to Myakka

i want to drift past Alligators
discern an Egret from a Herron
an Ibis from a Spoonbill

i want to sit on a sandy bank
so still
so quiet
as to trick the hermit crabs out of their homes

i want to kiss

i want to wade in cool amber water
watch minnows chase breadcrumbs

i want to gather shells
for safe keeping

i want to bathe in sun
like lazy Snapping Turtles

i want to smell Spanish Moss
watch it swing from Cypress

i want to be inspired
by it
by us
by them

Während mein Körper hier ist, ist mein Herz dort...

While my body is here, my heart is there...

Time spent waiting is a bittersweet garden.

Each moment spent apart
makes each moment spent in communion
much sweeter; more rare.

These obstacles are purely physical,
a test of our resources.

Honestly, seventy four miles has never felt so far away.

our little birthday girl

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl


it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

personal energy

in. ten. tion : to determine to act in a certain way

ac.tion : a thing done ; the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition


With the best intentions
you try your best
but what happens when
your best isn't what I need
I find my energy stores are low
daily depleted by grief
life
taking care

I need a soul that will feed mine
send that energy back my way

I know
some point soon
I'm going to have to give you less
if your best
doesn't shine through

I know
I haven't given you much
just daydreams
just thoughts

Thinking and daydreaming make me smile
and so do you in the spirit of my honesty

I'm all
dry throats and shiny teeth

and I like it

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

a fake death

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

minding shapes

the clouds
they make shapes
take shapes
of lovers on their backs
giggling
holding hands
smiling
I want to be happy for them
while my world turns green




photo courtesy of Ferran

wishes make poor companions

I want to be well
am I well?

I want you to be well
please be well

be well for you
be well for her
she needs you

and I don't know what I need
-not that you asked

I look in the mirror and I wish
I wish I was beautiful again
I wish my belly was round
and high
and he was here to love us

I wish I didn't cry
every night

I wish you didn't feel pity

I wish I could feel

I wish I could touch

I wish I could see

I wish I was stronger
don't I?

I wish I

I wish I could let go
of so much

I wish there was something more real
than wishes to keep me company tonight

but love is gone

warm lights and the scent of flowers

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

Know all your enemies

When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets  Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops  with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops  Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with  fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park  thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place  Make your smile sweet
to see  Don't you take this away  I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies  And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean

But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

and I pretend he's coming home soon

He loved me just the way I was He loved me already before I knew him I loved him the same loved him before paths crossed before words stumbled
before our coffee ground romance He loved to come home finding me perched in a chair reading, sipping tea or writing, feverishly
He liked me best in my own element

Today as I sit perched in a chair
reading next to a open window
the breeze playing with my hair
I think about his love for me

and I pretend he's coming home soon




photo courtesy of JcOlivera

Con Ella

Dueling for broken hearts
he's too hurt to stand
he'll go back

letting go
I only hope
She will endeavor to deserve him










Lilith by John-Collier

one of seven

photo courtesy of Hypergurl
I'd rather be
a glass of water: simple
a soft ball of wax: happy to be molded
a baby: brand new
but what I am aches
every part
all the time
always wanting
never satisfied
yearning takes so much energy
I want to swallow the world
or let it swallow me

Cathexis

I WANT THE WORLD
I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD
I WANT TO LOCK IT ALL UP IN MY POCKET
IT'S MY BAR OF CHOCOLATE

Libido pins me to the floor



cool down
you'd think it be easy
in weather like this

yet the son burns Red
desire ignites
proof of or confused with Freud's Conatus

hidden things are toyed with

things once lost are found

voice, where are you?

am I nearing a dead end?

creativity flows
and
I wonder

pinhole hope

what does one do with a Friday night

when Thursday you nearly gave yourself away

digest

express

drink it down
paint it black

keep your eye on the light that pours through the pinhole in your defenses

don't think-
smile
enjoy
revel
relive

feel all the feelings
all the fingertip bruises
all the maybes
all the wonder and hope


cook your dinner, wash your dishes

put your baby to bed

after
sit and wish you still found cigarettes enjoyable