honest

this bed is lonely
these sheets
this blanket
this body
these legs
this heart
this spirit is lonely
bonnaroo wine exaggerates

Hochs und Tiefs

when things get quiet
I miss everything

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

Country Disappeared

Wake up we're here
It's so much worse than we feared
There's nothing left here
The country has disappeared
If the winter trees bleeding, leave red blood
The summer sweet dreaming, april blush
But none of that is ever gonna mean as much to me again.

Hold out your hand,
there's so much you don't understand
So stick as close as you can,
all of the best laid plans
You've got the white clouds hanging so high above you
You've got the helicopters dangling angling to shoot,
the shots to feed the hungry weekend news crew anchorman.

So every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others guts,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

I won't take no
I won't let you go
All by yourself
Oh no you need my help
When the cold night shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere,
and melt on the blue breath of the auctioneers and disappear.

Every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others blood,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

~Wilco

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

quite possiby lost

since you've gone
chances were taken
none too carefully
friendships strained
some broke repairable?
connections made
lost
severed
and on some days missed

who am I?

what am I now?

I'm struggling to find
me without you
struggling to meet my own needs

I find myself pulling in
pulling back
growing a little less warm
and I don't like it
but how else do I get on
day to day?

I crave connections
but can only offer so little
my heart's not in it
and that only brings
disappointment

I'm not the bad guy

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

a fake death

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

minding shapes

the clouds
they make shapes
take shapes
of lovers on their backs
giggling
holding hands
smiling
I want to be happy for them
while my world turns green




photo courtesy of Ferran

wanderlust

home
my heart is in my chest presumably

life in Tampa
is like a party I wasn't invited to

my sentences disjoint of late
my head is heavy, stuffy, cloudy
my toes are chilly

I'm at square one
not wanting to go it alone

inside
I'm throwing myself onto the floor
as a child
kicking my feet
banging fists
swinging limbs
crying
screaming
I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

photo courtesy of LuLuP

testing one two three

I said aloud
it'll be easy not to call
easy not to miss
but I forgot how lonely
afternoons can be
when the baby sleeps
and the only thing to look forward to
is night and the quiet of sleeping

a ship with no harbor

every night of loneliness
feels like the first
the pain
the sting
may never dull
I find no comfort here
I could call
you wouldn't come
shouldn't come
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor
are temporary band aids any good?
should I ask you
to aid in the healing
I'm not sure
and I'll never know
because decisions have been made
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor