The Nature of Things

Love doesn't go
it evolves
it stays
it grows
Love doesn't go
it works its way in
quietly
passively
unexpectedly

thankfully

Nouvel Amour

Wanting to be ready,
knowing it might do me in,

I
step
forward.

I am Love.

closing down-fuck no
lefty loosey- fuck yes
I can't turn off this glow
I am not the sad girl

I'm in love with the world
and it loves me back
so much love my little heart explodes
projects
redirects

Prudence rings

I know what I have to give
and I repeat what I've said before
I am one of the lucky bastards
who realizes
love reflects in mirrors

and those mirrors are my friends
my sisters
my daughter

I might fall off
I might be bruised
but I saddle up
I know the highest highs
and I'm not afraid to FEEL

feel good
feel sad
feel everything

tonight I feel loved
maybe not from the sources I pour mine
love begets love

it can't be helped
I can't turn it off

it pours
it ooozes
from somewhere inside

and I love to give it

tonight I feel low
and tonight I feel happy
my melodrama plays out
and I know no matter what

I win.

end
of
story

Coffee induced reasoning :

Hope is important too.

Each step is made in love.

Today I wonder,
does my past intimidate?
I once felt as used goods
then yesterday I realized
I've lived,
fully.
I think of all my possible paths,
the ways my life could've gone
the house in Carrollwood
the wedding at nineteen
the husbands
the five year old, the threes- children who could have been,
would have been if things had gone differently.
I think of the love-
so much love
given
received
taken.
Every choice mine,
theirs
(His?)...
every event
every step leading to today.
My life : woman, widow, mother, girlfriend.
I revolve around love
and continue to do so.

Each step is made in love
and the one thing we can know for certain
is nothing is ever certain.

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

remembering your love

I met you as this bird
awaiting her moment of freedom
in a second I arose

you did not change me
you did not create me

you showed me
me

you saw in me what I could not

my mirror

you challenged me to trust in me

gave me the space to try it out,
to walk and stumble
to run, to crawl

to fly

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

Falling Out Before Ever Falling In

the language of lovers turned acquaintances
dwindles to nothing
all dwindles to nothing
and nothing ever ends
hopeful and disheartening

This Girl Part II

This girl
is ready

this girl
is saving her energy
and steering clear of drains

this girl
is running on a closed circuit system
and isn't going down
with any sinking ships

this girl
is brimming
with self satisfaction
and hope
and promise
love
and light

this girl
has a date with destiny

and as I told my friend
destiny waits for no woman

and as I told another friend
no one can love too much

lucky to the few who know
love springs from the inside
and reflects in mirrors

warm lights and the scent of flowers

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

brew

I feel myself

growing

very still

very quiet

as the sky

before a great storm