one smile and we understood

In a torn yellow dress
I sat exhausted after the fit
where I had thrown you all from my table

one hand reached out
and a smile was given

one smile and we understood

making perfect

practice being friends
practice ignoring the fire in my stomach
that IGNITES
each time we hang up, seperate

what exactly am I hiding away today
what may resonate by burying emotion
turning the spigot to the right
I worry about consequences

I may become like the rest
not out of want
but out of necessity

let's face it
priorities shift
and what I need right now is simplicity
routine
ambition
success

love can find me for a change

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

our little birthday girl

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl


it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

dressed for dreaming

naked summer sleeping

diagonal

over sheets



something else to get used to