Vows

When others would ask me what you were like, your kindness always came to my mind

After a little over a year of being with you I have come to know both your genuine nature and your kindness

I have also come to know your dependability, your passion, your support, your spirituality, your understanding, your patience, your love

For these reasons I have chosen to bond myself to you, my life to yours

For these reasons my being was propelled towards yours and our lives entangled before our hearts and minds knew which way was up

For these reasons I promise you today, just as I have before, to lay everything at your feet and follow you , for these reasons I chose you for my family, to father my children, to carry me when I cannot carry myself

For these reasons I promise you that I will encourage your growth as marriage is a journey of constant evolution, I promise to help you know your fullness, to carry you when you cannot carry yourself, to love you always and without exception

The events that have shaped our lives thus far have led us to this place, to these people

And it is in this place, with these people that I’d be happy to marry you each and every day for the rest of our lives together

I love you

the one thing I can count on

It's not that it's hard to change my mind or that I don't want to or that I can't.

I just have to be ready for it.

Then I just do it and go on.

I think it happens automatically, it seems I realize one day that I'm changed. I wake up and things are different and once I change my mind then that's it.

I'm a very stubborn Taurus, ask anyone.

I think it happens when I let the emotion tied to my thoughts go. Letting go is hard, but so is creating the space to let myself feel everything so that I can let go.

There isn't always a good time to cry, or scream and instead of expressing my anger by yelling I usually do something reckless, generally harmless so don't worry. Nothing I haven't told my bestie in great detail and mulled over the next day trying to extrapolate a very quickly learned life lesson from.

Back to mind changing: I wrote this last blog:"I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I but I don't-I'm still processing how that makes me feel"

I lied, I do know how it made me feel and how I felt was like shit. Well, I changed my mind and this past week has been really nice.

Here's something else I changed my mind about. I was at the beach with friends, the sun was setting and in a sea of couples I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel lonely. I felt complete standing with my toes in the ocean. I explained to my ex that it was really hard for me to enjoy myself when I was the only single girl (like at my friend's anniversary party) or when I was the only one who's family was incomplete (like Easter at a friend's house). I don't know if he understood, but being around all the families made me feel like shit. It was partly jealousy, partly a huge reminder that my husband is dead. That the three of us will never be a family.I also find myself feeling bitter when I see two people happy together instead of being happy. I didn't feel that at the beach, the bitter is gone too. (thank god, b/c I did not like that girl)

I will likely feel cheated, but when I can finally lay my grief to rest then that will go away too. It's a long road from here to there. I'm sure of that.

Maybe all of this is connected and I really only had to change the way I see about one thing.

My family.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit"

What I learned from crack:

Why do we search for reasons to stay with a partner who doesn't love us quite enough? How is that acceptable on any level? Why is watching creamer swirl into my coffee so mesmerizing? Why have my girlfriends (the ones I consider most like myself mind you) started dating women? Does this happen at 30 when you haven't found someone to make a life with? Should I open up my possibilities? Three of my friends who have say that relationships with women are not sustainable, the dynamic is off,the roles are confusing.The other two haven't reported back yet.

I'm starting to change perspective I think, in a lot of ways but especially regarding "family crack" moments. First I'll try and explain "family crack". Either you've experienced this or you can imagine it, I saw a family crack moment used in a Publix commercial recently where the little boy wakes up with a football helmet on, the idea was that football games were "their time" so mom didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen cooking. The last scene is the family of three cheering on the game together. The feeling mom (and dad I can only assume) were feeling at that moment of togetherness, family, that feeling you felt when you were a child and try to recreate in your adult life with the partner you choose.....that feeling is as addictive, it is a drug. Now a drug addiction might be OK if it's socially acceptable (like caffeine) and readily available. A drug addiction is not OK (for a host of reasons, but just go with me here) it's not OK in your perspective when you don't have a supply and if you can't afford it. If you don't have a family unit that gives you the feeling of family you will likely search for it (I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I, but I don't-I'm still processing how that realization makes me feel)

OK I got a little off course....back on track. I will use fictional characters to illustrate.

Angie is a 30 year old mother of one, she's been divorced from her child's father for 3 years and has had a steady boyfriend for 10 months now that she really really really likes. One weekend morning instead of her boyfriend hightailing it out of Angie's bed and home before her child awakes he stays, they make pancakes, they all sit down to eat together. Family crack streams through Angie's veins.

My original stance was to avoid F.C. at any cost and I often failed miserably. My favorite failure was when Michael was sitting on Aud's floor, I sat in Michael's lap and Audrey fresh from the bath sat in mine. Michael read her a story about tadpoles. We put her to bed together. I can still recall the feeling it gave me as clear as my first taste of pure molly.

This created a craving and it also created a false sense of family. We were not a family. Michael was not nor did he aim to be her father. In that moment I was fooled and I saw a connection where there wasn't one because that is what I wanted to see. With that perspective I regretted those moments.

I don't enjoy regrets, I don't enjoy making mistakes, but I accept them as a necessary part to my personal learning process(much to the chagrin of my friends and family).
Like this one song says second best to playing and winning is playing and losing. I'm here for the experience, I'm here for the ride. I have a deep understanding that life is a series of moments that we must be present for, family crack moments included. We get so wrapped up in how they will affect us later that we forget to experience our lives. There is a balance, a tight rope walk between living now and living for tomorrow.

Today, when I think back on that tadpole book moment I revel in the feeling it recalls. No regrets and no expectations. (Kelly is the master on the subject of expectations, she's helping me learn) It doesn't make me sad, nostalgic or otherwise melancholic. It makes me feel blessed to have experienced it and then I let the memory go, I see it float on down the road. Life is teaching me to let go.

What I learned from all this is that part of the experience of living mindfully is seeing what is truly there. I can have a moment where whomever I'm dating does a fatherly thing, we are all walking through the grocery store, he helps her tie her shoe,he takes a turn carrying her through the park, etc. I can see these moments as times where a dear friend shows kindness to me and her, no expectations is the key.

Those times are no different than when my best friend's husband teaches Audrey how to kick a soccer ball or when one of my girlfriends helps her practice using her arms to swim.

I would still warn against F.C. saturation b/c it's very hard not to have expectations and very hard not to see what you want to see. There is also the ways in which it will affect Audrey(that's an entirely different blog...please don't think she's not a consideration in all of my activities with boyfriends)

It's funny how things will just come to you.This all came to my while laying on the couch watching a movie last night.

It's reassuring to realize that I'm still learning. I'm growing, I'm changing. I am not a stagnant mosquito infested pond. I might not be the grand rapids either, but perhaps somewhere in between, something like a small cool spring trickling from a pinhole in a rock.

I am Love.

closing down-fuck no
lefty loosey- fuck yes
I can't turn off this glow
I am not the sad girl

I'm in love with the world
and it loves me back
so much love my little heart explodes
projects
redirects

Prudence rings

I know what I have to give
and I repeat what I've said before
I am one of the lucky bastards
who realizes
love reflects in mirrors

and those mirrors are my friends
my sisters
my daughter

I might fall off
I might be bruised
but I saddle up
I know the highest highs
and I'm not afraid to FEEL

feel good
feel sad
feel everything

tonight I feel loved
maybe not from the sources I pour mine
love begets love

it can't be helped
I can't turn it off

it pours
it ooozes
from somewhere inside

and I love to give it

tonight I feel low
and tonight I feel happy
my melodrama plays out
and I know no matter what

I win.

end
of
story

making perfect

practice being friends
practice ignoring the fire in my stomach
that IGNITES
each time we hang up, seperate

what exactly am I hiding away today
what may resonate by burying emotion
turning the spigot to the right
I worry about consequences

I may become like the rest
not out of want
but out of necessity

let's face it
priorities shift
and what I need right now is simplicity
routine
ambition
success

love can find me for a change

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

Country Disappeared

Wake up we're here
It's so much worse than we feared
There's nothing left here
The country has disappeared
If the winter trees bleeding, leave red blood
The summer sweet dreaming, april blush
But none of that is ever gonna mean as much to me again.

Hold out your hand,
there's so much you don't understand
So stick as close as you can,
all of the best laid plans
You've got the white clouds hanging so high above you
You've got the helicopters dangling angling to shoot,
the shots to feed the hungry weekend news crew anchorman.

So every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others guts,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

I won't take no
I won't let you go
All by yourself
Oh no you need my help
When the cold night shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere,
and melt on the blue breath of the auctioneers and disappear.

Every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others blood,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

~Wilco

our little birthday girl

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl


it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

mothridden

what started out whole
is bitten and torn

missing pieces
I make my family

going back

lately I reminisce
remembering how as a child
wrapped in a warm towel clean after a bath
I would point my nose to the ceiling and shake my head slowly back and forth tickle my spine with the ends of my blond wisps
and wish my mom would let me grow out my hair
I seek to reconnect with such simple pleasures
I see my own daughter examine a dried leaf
she watches it tumbling
driven by the breeze
to be enraptured by something so simple
I want to be that intent focused on enjoying the small
I wonder how we went from aching for the simple thrill of finding your hand in another's grasp
to wanting so much more flesh
almost insatiably
and I wonder
how does one go back

Know all your enemies

When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets  Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops  with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops  Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with  fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park  thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place  Make your smile sweet
to see  Don't you take this away  I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies  And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean

But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

pinhole hope

what does one do with a Friday night

when Thursday you nearly gave yourself away

digest

express

drink it down
paint it black

keep your eye on the light that pours through the pinhole in your defenses

don't think-
smile
enjoy
revel
relive

feel all the feelings
all the fingertip bruises
all the maybes
all the wonder and hope


cook your dinner, wash your dishes

put your baby to bed

after
sit and wish you still found cigarettes enjoyable