Truth

It's true
he fed my ego
and controlled me with myself

it's also true
that feeding my ego
helped me to stand
to stop looking to others
for the things he knew I had in me

he acted as harbor
gave me the room to grow
nourishing each new bud
with words of praise

Vows

When others would ask me what you were like, your kindness always came to my mind

After a little over a year of being with you I have come to know both your genuine nature and your kindness

I have also come to know your dependability, your passion, your support, your spirituality, your understanding, your patience, your love

For these reasons I have chosen to bond myself to you, my life to yours

For these reasons my being was propelled towards yours and our lives entangled before our hearts and minds knew which way was up

For these reasons I promise you today, just as I have before, to lay everything at your feet and follow you , for these reasons I chose you for my family, to father my children, to carry me when I cannot carry myself

For these reasons I promise you that I will encourage your growth as marriage is a journey of constant evolution, I promise to help you know your fullness, to carry you when you cannot carry yourself, to love you always and without exception

The events that have shaped our lives thus far have led us to this place, to these people

And it is in this place, with these people that I’d be happy to marry you each and every day for the rest of our lives together

I love you

Dear Sylas,

You never saw the sun.
Created and cradled in the dark
I knew you alive,
inside my body we lived together
-with exception of the kicks your Father felt
no one knew you.
Grief is lonely
and days after you'd left our space
I still felt you move within
an infant ghost
haunting my womb.
Grief is like fear,
gives reasons for fear
-as if I needed more.

My body empty,
I feel alone among friends.
Our worlds stopped that day
-a frozen clock.
Others keep ticking.
Babies are born,
born of friends and strangers.
My guilt buries me during quiet moments.
I could not keep you alive,
Daddy could not save you.

When I first knew of you
my response was not joy
and in many moments I thought
"is this the right time?", "is this the right man?"
did my thoughts betray you,
push you away,
make you wish you belonged to some other mother,
did you know I loved you?
Did you feel it before I?
Self doubt and anguish fill me.
I wonder if you left in peace,
lulled to sleep by my beating heart

I like to think that as I slept the night you left
your kicks were spelling " I love you"
in the only language you knew.
Your Father is strength.
His grief expresses at times as forgetfulness,
a symptom of the daily life he took on too soon,
the routine he took on for me,
for your  big sister.
She misses you,
asks about you often
-what happened and where you are.
She reminds me to have patience
mostly with myself
.

and with whatever else the universe has in store

Diamonds

As we lay

-close as unassembled puzzle pieces lumped into a box

paper thin breath hangs between our lips

his tears come as perfect diamonds

collecting at lower lash and tumbling down cheeks

these diamonds communicate as our gift for words has failed

a glacier melts and pulls away from it's shore

we are sailing into blue, cold, open, endless possibilities

from the warm sun of where we thought we would be making our nest

strength to strength

a perfect circle of energy

from me to him

from him to me

I see in those most beautiful eyes

and feel with each touch of his steady hands

we can do this

as one

charmed

tell all your secrets
to the girl
with big eyes

her heart is big
a safe place to rest

lay them with the others

secrets swirl in deep pools

Easy Math

a curl wrapped around my finger
two pairs of tangled knees
two grins
four eyes smiling

Two Birds

It's dark outside
and I can hear the birds
not singing

they are somewhere safe and warm
in nests
in nooks of trees
wrapped in tiny
tufts of fur
of soft leaves