My Thoughts on Thinking of You 12.20.06

If you only knew what I think of you.

I would tell you
if I could,
but it's too big.
Sometimes,
maybe
you can feel it buzzing
from skinny pink fingertips,
but you will never know the weight of it
so heavy
you may never rise from our bed again.

12.23.06

I am a wreck
swollen face
I dove in head first
when I thought it was safe

I am selfish
just like they say
and possibly
quite shallow

so don't dive in head first

Three 2.2.07

Three

Lost,
and no, it was never meant to be.
There was no good reason
and nothing will ever
make it better.
I have to deal-
of course: what else is there to do?
I can not wallow,
but I caan
and will
never
forget.
Remembering hurts;
so much pain:
physical,
mental,
emotional.
All pained
by the loss of you three.
I named you,
carried you,
for three,
five,
seven weeks
of swollen breasts
and confused mind-
just to lose.
You were lost,
and it will never be OK.,
or fair,
or meant to be.

Change 07

Life is all about change
and I am unafraid
I don't roll with the punches
I chose the blows I take
and I give none
I plan
take steps
towards happiness
towards myself
towards love
and friendship
and a compassion
so full
you can not
bare to look at it straight on
it may blind you
and often does

2.26.07

No longer having to exaggerate
the situation is bleak

every day
the air gets thicker
making it harder to breathe
harder to see
to speak
to feel anything
but tacky skin

every day
there is more
to weigh us down
to cumber

they want lettuce
that we don't have

to raise a daughter

she never taught me how
not to give myself away
she couldn't have even if she wanted
that was a skill she did not possess
I can see that now

I will teach them not to fall for
the first man who sees them
to keep their power
and in quite moments ensure it's growth

they are wonderful
they are powerful

we are wonderful
we are powerful

I am wonderful
I am powerful

we won't give it away
you can't take it

Attrition

The night lies crimson in your wake.

My hand lies alone, naked and trembling.

Your touch once like silk

has roughened to tree bark.

Passion has taken its toll on you, tossed your breath,

floured and rolled it with a heavy pin.

The other girls:

Did they know your heart?

Did they know it was buried deep in my chest?

Were their arms soft like angel’s wings?

blanketing you complete,

concealing scars inflicted by silent hands?

Forgive me-

                   I wasn’t enough. (2000)