Pragmatist

What I believe 
turned out 
quite simple.
I believe we are connected,
one being.
I like to imagine
each of us are but one expression 
of an infinite number 
of possible expressions.
We may be similar,
but each of us are a unique part
of the dynamic whole.
We come from and we go back
to the place 
with one conscious.
I believe it is beautiful there.
I believe it can be,
and often is,
beautiful here.
I believe life would improve
if lived genuinely,
if lived with integrity,
if lived willfully,
with purpose.

I find beauty and hope in these thoughts. 

Connection

                                                                  

in my dreams we are always holding hands

palm to palm

we solve all the problems 

smiling

logical

we talk it all out 

our eyes clear

as our lips drip with honesty

connection is made

and my want

vanishes 

Gathering to Let Go

I gather what was lost

-closure 
that had left my heart in want
was at my feet all these years
patiently lying in wait
as a loyal companion
for my fingers to sew the binding

a gift I give myself
and for them 
a gift of forgiveness 
and of letting go

I untangle myself from those webs
set down the burden of not knowing
of having to know

forgive myself for ill judgement
forgive them for theirs

the consequences of that
ill fated Winter
have lingered for long enough

Faith Illuminates the Illiterate

Faith Illuminates the Illiterate


Lyrics scroll through my head:
Theologians
They don't know nothing
About my soul
I'm an ocean
An abyss in motion
Slow motion
Inlitterati lumen fidei
God is with us everyday(Girard, C. Jorgensen M., 2004)
This morning I listen while sipping decaf chai
dressed in black,
baby bouncing in my womb.
I am smiling.
And that’s the answer to the crux.
Happiness.
Love.
The simple blissful fact that nothing else matters.
That word meanings don’t matter.
That intentional actions do.
That God is in me, around me, apart from and with me
always
in small and enormous moments.
Still I am lured to write,
for myself,
for my children,
for you.
Here we go.

I’m no theologian (specialist in the study of religious faith, practice, and experience; especially : the study of God and of God's relation to the world (Merriam Webster, 2012))
no master of dogma (a doctrine or body of doctrines concerning faith or morals formally stated and authoritatively proclaimed by a church (Merriam Webster, 2012) )
Spirituality as researched and presented by a friend of mine makes the most sense to me: What is Sprituality?
The church as defined by Merriam Webster is
1.      a building for public and especially Christian worship
2.       the clergy or officialdom of a religious body
3.      often capitalized : a body or organization of religious believers: as
a : the whole body of Christians
b : denomination church>
c : congregation
4. a public divine worship
6. the clerical profession

Christians give the Church definitions ranging from the established government (not religion) called the Kingdom of God on the Earth to the Church defined as group of people gathered with a common doctrine, not a building. Acts chapter 2 in the NIV Bible discusses a fellowship of believers.
This article most closely resembles the theology I was exposed to as a child in the Christian Church and expresses my understanding of the Christian Church.
What do other people say the church is? Here is an interesting article regarding the etymology of the word.
In my reasoning it may be impossible to take the word “church” literally from the text of the Christian Bible; because there are at least eight versions of what Jesus said and no one is alive to tell the tale first hand. Whose words do I take literally? Jesus? Merriam Webster? Mithras? anyone? It all boils down to what I believe to be true. And how do I decide that?
Faith
Faith makes a church.

I am part of a church.
We are a gathering of like minds. We are a hybrid, we may be new. We are still figuring it out. We all have faith. We have no doctrine, no teachers outside of one another, history, life, experience.We are seekers.
I am seeking a path that picks up where I was stalled 14 years ago. I have found the space to do that.
I defend that sacred space each time I recognize the light in me.  
I “attend” church every instance I experience spirituality, every time I meditate on the being part of the human being.
My church can be anywhere, it is not a building.
My God revealed in any: -one, -thing, idea.
My apostles are forests, mountains and skies, painters, wordsmiths, and explorers of internal landscapes.
My intuition and our reasoning.

Truth

It's true
he fed my ego
and controlled me with myself

it's also true
that feeding my ego
helped me to stand
to stop looking to others
for the things he knew I had in me

he acted as harbor
gave me the room to grow
nourishing each new bud
with words of praise

Vows

When others would ask me what you were like, your kindness always came to my mind

After a little over a year of being with you I have come to know both your genuine nature and your kindness

I have also come to know your dependability, your passion, your support, your spirituality, your understanding, your patience, your love

For these reasons I have chosen to bond myself to you, my life to yours

For these reasons my being was propelled towards yours and our lives entangled before our hearts and minds knew which way was up

For these reasons I promise you today, just as I have before, to lay everything at your feet and follow you , for these reasons I chose you for my family, to father my children, to carry me when I cannot carry myself

For these reasons I promise you that I will encourage your growth as marriage is a journey of constant evolution, I promise to help you know your fullness, to carry you when you cannot carry yourself, to love you always and without exception

The events that have shaped our lives thus far have led us to this place, to these people

And it is in this place, with these people that I’d be happy to marry you each and every day for the rest of our lives together

I love you

Dear Sylas,

You never saw the sun.
Created and cradled in the dark
I knew you alive,
inside my body we lived together
-with exception of the kicks your Father felt
no one knew you.
Grief is lonely
and days after you'd left our space
I still felt you move within
an infant ghost
haunting my womb.
Grief is like fear,
gives reasons for fear
-as if I needed more.

My body empty,
I feel alone among friends.
Our worlds stopped that day
-a frozen clock.
Others keep ticking.
Babies are born,
born of friends and strangers.
My guilt buries me during quiet moments.
I could not keep you alive,
Daddy could not save you.

When I first knew of you
my response was not joy
and in many moments I thought
"is this the right time?", "is this the right man?"
did my thoughts betray you,
push you away,
make you wish you belonged to some other mother,
did you know I loved you?
Did you feel it before I?
Self doubt and anguish fill me.
I wonder if you left in peace,
lulled to sleep by my beating heart

I like to think that as I slept the night you left
your kicks were spelling " I love you"
in the only language you knew.
Your Father is strength.
His grief expresses at times as forgetfulness,
a symptom of the daily life he took on too soon,
the routine he took on for me,
for your  big sister.
She misses you,
asks about you often
-what happened and where you are.
She reminds me to have patience
mostly with myself
.

and with whatever else the universe has in store