rocks in my pockets

weighted down
my heavy soul
wanting bright eyes
working towards the confidence to smile
to show the light
I know it's there
my friends tell me

a ship with no harbor

every night of loneliness
feels like the first
the pain
the sting
may never dull
I find no comfort here
I could call
you wouldn't come
shouldn't come
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor
are temporary band aids any good?
should I ask you
to aid in the healing
I'm not sure
and I'll never know
because decisions have been made
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor

wishes make poor companions

I want to be well
am I well?

I want you to be well
please be well

be well for you
be well for her
she needs you

and I don't know what I need
-not that you asked

I look in the mirror and I wish
I wish I was beautiful again
I wish my belly was round
and high
and he was here to love us

I wish I didn't cry
every night

I wish you didn't feel pity

I wish I could feel

I wish I could touch

I wish I could see

I wish I was stronger
don't I?

I wish I

I wish I could let go
of so much

I wish there was something more real
than wishes to keep me company tonight

but love is gone

and the cool night wind

I have memories
tangled in Orion's belt

they are chilly
and smell of red wine

new
sweet
and complicated

softening
what could have been sharp

I'm thankful
I'm gracious

for time given to
shared with
me
and the cool night wind

good for my heart

tiny fingers
tiny nose
tiny ears
tiny toes

there's one thing
I know for sure

her tiny heart
is good for mine

warm lights and the scent of flowers

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

a thousand words

( photo couretsey of BobL2008 )

brew

I feel myself

growing

very still

very quiet

as the sky

before a great storm

midnight

A midnight dance
my two left feet
on the patio
alone
yet
not so very

the falling leaves
are the song
and the breeze
fills

let's discover
if one can extinguish and dance

going back

lately I reminisce
remembering how as a child
wrapped in a warm towel clean after a bath
I would point my nose to the ceiling and shake my head slowly back and forth tickle my spine with the ends of my blond wisps
and wish my mom would let me grow out my hair
I seek to reconnect with such simple pleasures
I see my own daughter examine a dried leaf
she watches it tumbling
driven by the breeze
to be enraptured by something so simple
I want to be that intent focused on enjoying the small
I wonder how we went from aching for the simple thrill of finding your hand in another's grasp
to wanting so much more flesh
almost insatiably
and I wonder
how does one go back

Oracle

My question :
where is honesty safe
here?
probably not.

I think back on where it was last safe
where it wasn't used to sting
manipulate
control

I try and recreate the moment
but my trusted hearts are gone
one component remains
myself
and integrity

my question remains the same
where is honesty safe?

chocolate advice

that look doesn’t suit you sweetie

your eyes are meant to shine

your plain-view words are meant to share

teach

heal

not for highlighting another’s misfortune

while you have the right to enjoy

your new found sense

this satisfaction you feel

keep it secret

keep it safe

follow the chocolate’s advice

and be a little mysterious

4 'oclock rain

it seems words
no longer assist
but destroy
where now does my
soul rest

pale and willful

If this wandering
takes 40 years
I will wake up
and old maid

which way is out of this desert
where my skin burns
my belly aches
sun-sick

too willful
for sunscreen

spell it out

words fail
broken sentences
run away
language come back
you 26 are all I have

saddle up and ride

sense
question
ask
listen
smile
joke
swallow
churn
grasp straws
implode
get sick
let go

then try again

(photo courtesy of BoudJ)

Lasting Impressions

photo courtesy of S~revenge
Last kisses are sneaky
little tender spies
variety unknown
until it's too late
until it's over

Ladies let this teach us
treat each kiss like your last
savor the sweet
live in each meeting of the lips

maintain your secret smile
with their memory

and tend to bruises another day

Know all your enemies

When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets  Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops  with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops  Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with  fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park  thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place  Make your smile sweet
to see  Don't you take this away  I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies  And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean

But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

and I pretend he's coming home soon

He loved me just the way I was He loved me already before I knew him I loved him the same loved him before paths crossed before words stumbled
before our coffee ground romance He loved to come home finding me perched in a chair reading, sipping tea or writing, feverishly
He liked me best in my own element

Today as I sit perched in a chair
reading next to a open window
the breeze playing with my hair
I think about his love for me

and I pretend he's coming home soon




photo courtesy of JcOlivera

Con Ella

Dueling for broken hearts
he's too hurt to stand
he'll go back

letting go
I only hope
She will endeavor to deserve him










Lilith by John-Collier

cherries blossom

somewhere tonight

she is smiling

he is biting his lip

face to face

they say the things not meant to be said

eye to eye

they rule the world

with chilled knees and bare feet

libidos and crossed wires

somewhere tonight

red wine breathes

she is thinking of him

too much

he is not here

he is not anywhere

somewhere tonight

she wants too much

expects too much

let’s too much go

somewhere tonight

electrical resistance is being charted

because he wants her

and she wants him

her skin red like clove cherries

Photo courtesy of Juergen Kurlvink

one of seven

photo courtesy of Hypergurl
I'd rather be
a glass of water: simple
a soft ball of wax: happy to be molded
a baby: brand new
but what I am aches
every part
all the time
always wanting
never satisfied
yearning takes so much energy
I want to swallow the world
or let it swallow me

Recipe for living and other low-fat vegetarian dishes

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

choose to blossom

always do

risk the elements

it is in my nature

our nature

we are not so different

I can see your eyes in mine

my face in your face

my skin may be softer

but we split just the same

bleed just the same

consider the homunculus

life desires living

and acts accordingly

flailing about,

lighting fires,

planning escape into warm soil

We don't want to hide away, we want to live.

My recipe for living:

guts

careful planning

wild actions

self- preservation

healthy mental landscape

the will to live

is the will to love

Sketch by Nicolaas Hartsoeker

The "F" word

I set my head to spinning
convince myself it's ok
find a place to focus
and you'll keep from being dizzy

feel all the feelings
feel
all
feelings

ride the ride

invest
in
me

invest in happiness

let the spinning set me to smiling

swallow it up

these are the tough days
the rough days

the tenderest times

just get through
Red eyed and blue

pull it out
string the words on the line
air the laundry
let the neighbors see the stains

the broken bits
can be mended
once the spinning stops

I've been avoiding
Red rimmed eyes

they are like hers
but not so Silent

how many holes in this dam
before the whole thing crumbles
crashes
water rushing
crushing

will I drown?

with no one to save me
I better learn to float

face up
watch the sky
see the sun
feel the sun

let the stars lead
they shine like I should

like I used to
when I reflected you

can we still shine
with you so far away?

in our next life
when we fall again
please feel all the feelings


photo courtesy of DOS82

Cathexis

I WANT THE WORLD
I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD
I WANT TO LOCK IT ALL UP IN MY POCKET
IT'S MY BAR OF CHOCOLATE

Libido pins me to the floor



cool down
you'd think it be easy
in weather like this

yet the son burns Red
desire ignites
proof of or confused with Freud's Conatus

hidden things are toyed with

things once lost are found

voice, where are you?

am I nearing a dead end?

creativity flows
and
I wonder

Friday nights often lead to Saturday mornings

blue sheets and red hair

yawn and stretch
dress for the day

to shower or not
not

wear it all day
gladly infuse

my late arrival
couldn't have been more perfect

fast-forward:
java-goodwill-grocer
dressing-drinking-dining
laughing-smoking-freezing
sharing-learning-longing
texting and un-texting
sangria and cheesecake


Sunday
by 4:11
my breath slows
and I slip under bleached stars

the universe is a heavy thing
to carry on your back

tonight, it's on mine as well


we are beautiful