scolded

greedy

patience girl

you only get one

The Nature of Things

Love doesn't go
it evolves
it stays
it grows
Love doesn't go
it works its way in
quietly
passively
unexpectedly

thankfully

Bottom

I can see rock bottom from here
and all I want is to be able to enjoy
all the good things I've got

Books on a Shelf

Opening the pages
you tell me your stories
asking for mine

You want to know me

how it is I got to this place

I want to know you
to know it all

Our lives on display

My life on display: I am fearless

fearless to move so close
to share so much

there is much to share

Ignore

Feeling things I can't ignore

Loving the way each time we tangle we fit as puzzle pieces.

Unsuspected well of strength
joy
finding before looking
you found me
and I smile
knowing a stable truth
a steady good.

Nouvel Amour

Wanting to be ready,
knowing it might do me in,

I
step
forward.

I will die satisfied

Love finds me when I think I'm not looking
Love finds me when I think I'm not ready
Love finds me when I didn't ask for it
Love finds me on Her own timing

I was born of Love
I will live in Love
to Love
to be Loved

and I will die satisfied
knowing
sure
that I have Loved

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

You've got a cute way of talking
You got the better of me
Just snap your fingers and I'm walking
Like a dog hanging on your lead
I'm in a spin you know
Shaking on a string you know

You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing ahhh

Quarter to four in the morning
I ain't feeling tired no no no no no
Just hold me tight and leave on the light
Cause I don't want to go home

You put a spell on me
I'm right where you want me to be

You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing

You take me higher
I'm gonna catch on fire cause

You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing I'm gonna dance my life away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing ahhh

You really slipped me a potion
I cant get off of the floor
All this perpetual motion
You gotta give me some more
You gotta give me some more

And if you'll let me stay well dance our lives away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
I feel
You make me feel like dancing

I want to be that muse again

Christmas Eve you walked in the snow
beside the frozen interstate
miles to my door
you didn't even know I'd accept you there

I could have run to another country and
you would have met me

You were always there to scoop me up
feed me confidence
remind me of me

I laid all my possessions at your feet
I followed you
and you did the same
to the ends of the earth

it is silly of me to expect that love again
greedy and ungracious to be looking for it here

I can't follow you

excuses for not being someone else

I do what I do
I am my actions
I am careful
I am serious

when I veer from conviction
I stumble

when I try to act
mistakes are made

these actions are not abnormal
for someone else

but I am not someone else

and funny as it sounds
I need to be reminded most days of late

consequence

I noticed it first when
I thought of you
and that thought caused sinking
like swallowing a piece of ice whole
and that thought caused tightening
like the knot in your guts proceeding vomit
next withought conscious thought
those feelings blew away on the wind
that pain
was simply gone
drifted away leaving a blank space
and there I was walking
in the grayest field

I don't want to get stuck here

honest

this bed is lonely
these sheets
this blanket
this body
these legs
this heart
this spirit is lonely
bonnaroo wine exaggerates

affection

purposely
thoughtfully
I am in a moment
actively
precisely
recording it in my mind:
today it was your face
brand new
as a child upon waking
it was mingled contours
it was indecipherable bodies
it was the morning sun
filtering through my blinds
warming my face
painting our world gold

this is one of the moments I will chose to recall
when my grandchildren ask if I have had a happy life

this is the love that I have woven into my self

ignorance

hey boy
come over here
I'll let you put your arms around me

hey boy
lets go for a stroll
I'll let you hold my hand

hey boy
forget what they told you

and stay the sickness away

Hochs und Tiefs

when things get quiet
I miss everything

I am Love.

closing down-fuck no
lefty loosey- fuck yes
I can't turn off this glow
I am not the sad girl

I'm in love with the world
and it loves me back
so much love my little heart explodes
projects
redirects

Prudence rings

I know what I have to give
and I repeat what I've said before
I am one of the lucky bastards
who realizes
love reflects in mirrors

and those mirrors are my friends
my sisters
my daughter

I might fall off
I might be bruised
but I saddle up
I know the highest highs
and I'm not afraid to FEEL

feel good
feel sad
feel everything

tonight I feel loved
maybe not from the sources I pour mine
love begets love

it can't be helped
I can't turn it off

it pours
it ooozes
from somewhere inside

and I love to give it

tonight I feel low
and tonight I feel happy
my melodrama plays out
and I know no matter what

I win.

end
of
story

making perfect

practice being friends
practice ignoring the fire in my stomach
that IGNITES
each time we hang up, seperate

what exactly am I hiding away today
what may resonate by burying emotion
turning the spigot to the right
I worry about consequences

I may become like the rest
not out of want
but out of necessity

let's face it
priorities shift
and what I need right now is simplicity
routine
ambition
success

love can find me for a change

single

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge."

We are born alone
we will die alone
it's the living business in between
that's hard to do alone
but I'm getting on with it

cross-referenced nighttime thinking might cause my brain to explode

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

Coffee induced reasoning :

Hope is important too.

I listen to you hang up...

my heart sinks

I ask the air

why is love the most important thing to me?
why does it matter above all else?

My head spins

I close my eyes 'til sleep comes.

What I want most:

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

Blasphemy

Love, go away
tight chest
shallow breathes
Love, go away
un-welcomed guest
Love, go away

I am done with you today.

lilies to comfort you

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 6:25-34

i want to write about everything

i want you to take me canoeing
pack a picnic
gather the Hippies
head to Myakka

i want to drift past Alligators
discern an Egret from a Herron
an Ibis from a Spoonbill

i want to sit on a sandy bank
so still
so quiet
as to trick the hermit crabs out of their homes

i want to kiss

i want to wade in cool amber water
watch minnows chase breadcrumbs

i want to gather shells
for safe keeping

i want to bathe in sun
like lazy Snapping Turtles

i want to smell Spanish Moss
watch it swing from Cypress

i want to be inspired
by it
by us
by them

a good day

begins as the sun rises
she eats her oatmeal
sips her soy
I make my coffee
pour the granola
we walk
listening to birds chirp
neighbors smile
nod
say hello
she giggles at the dogs in their yards
the birds in their trees
we find our park
do a lap
then swing
she smiles biggest when the breeze blows
we walk home to a small nap
I work, she sleeps
she wakes, we play
lunchtime comes
she washes her own hands
she brings me her flashcards
she brings me her blocks
she cuddles her duckie and says "nih-nih" when it's time to nap
she dreams
I clean
I plan
prepare dinner
she awakes and we visit the backyard
we snack and talk about the toys, trees, flowers, the cars that go by
dinner brings the whole house to the table
bathtime brings giggles
story time and bed come next
now mommy gets to rest

a perfect day would begin with smiles
and end with you

some other girl

teach me not to fall so fast
not to jump right in
step right off
not to trust
not to feel
so much
so fast

not to miss you
not to miss

not to speak so loosely
sweetly
not to speak

six. twenty-five.forty-seven

Forty-seven miles doesn't feel so far
when every south Florida sunrise is beautiful.

One constant I've found:
the sun always rises

and today that makes me glad

Each step is made in love.

Today I wonder,
does my past intimidate?
I once felt as used goods
then yesterday I realized
I've lived,
fully.
I think of all my possible paths,
the ways my life could've gone
the house in Carrollwood
the wedding at nineteen
the husbands
the five year old, the threes- children who could have been,
would have been if things had gone differently.
I think of the love-
so much love
given
received
taken.
Every choice mine,
theirs
(His?)...
every event
every step leading to today.
My life : woman, widow, mother, girlfriend.
I revolve around love
and continue to do so.

Each step is made in love
and the one thing we can know for certain
is nothing is ever certain.

a song to start my moody day

How've you been, have you been hiding out?
when I saw you last you didn't belong to anyone.

Its better now, we both got our hearts
sitting in the right place, all the time.

I've waited such a long, long time
to hear your voice again.

Spitting songs has never been so hard,
I get confused all the time...I always mess things up.

You're half mine, so when you comin' back?
Did you forget how brave you make me?

path

let us feel
let us surprise
watch the moods rise and fall
and rise again
change is here
has always been
but now
it is time
and it is good

tempting more change

Today I ask:

Why do my happiness and sadness walk holding hands?
Why do grief and joy run circles around my knees like children at play?

Why if I take one in must I take them both?
Why if I let one out, do they run after one another?

This year, lets try experiencing happiness without sadness creeping in and overshadowing.
Let's try.

thoughts so comforting

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

remembering your love

I met you as this bird
awaiting her moment of freedom
in a second I arose

you did not change me
you did not create me

you showed me
me

you saw in me what I could not

my mirror

you challenged me to trust in me

gave me the space to try it out,
to walk and stumble
to run, to crawl

to fly

Country Disappeared

Wake up we're here
It's so much worse than we feared
There's nothing left here
The country has disappeared
If the winter trees bleeding, leave red blood
The summer sweet dreaming, april blush
But none of that is ever gonna mean as much to me again.

Hold out your hand,
there's so much you don't understand
So stick as close as you can,
all of the best laid plans
You've got the white clouds hanging so high above you
You've got the helicopters dangling angling to shoot,
the shots to feed the hungry weekend news crew anchorman.

So every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others guts,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

I won't take no
I won't let you go
All by yourself
Oh no you need my help
When the cold night shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere,
and melt on the blue breath of the auctioneers and disappear.

Every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others blood,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

~Wilco

listing

love
flowers
puppies
napping in a rainstorm
baby toes
dolphin sex
eskimo kisses
boyfriend clothes
freckles
hammocks
earlobes
treehouses
nightingales
tadpoles

more smiling than you know

16 days and you have left a mark

Today it is raining.
Today I am watching it rain.

I am sitting at the kitchen table
wondering to myself:

Is this salsa raw and vegan?

Während mein Körper hier ist, ist mein Herz dort...

While my body is here, my heart is there...

Time spent waiting is a bittersweet garden.

Each moment spent apart
makes each moment spent in communion
much sweeter; more rare.

These obstacles are purely physical,
a test of our resources.

Honestly, seventy four miles has never felt so far away.

8.5.09

My heart is a loaded gun;
a ticking bomb set to detonate.

I'm too scared to move a muscle.

Kussi

Something like love stirs.

I think in poetry...

there is more beauty to be found in days that begin with you.

Enraptured

You have a way
of melting my stress
-my sorrows
by taking my hand.

You have a way
of kissing me
that blurs all else
and sets thoughts to swirling.

You have a way
of speaking so sweetly.
I'm happy to
simply sit near,
be still,
listen.

You have a way.

You have a way.

Peace

wake up with the sun
eyes wrinkle with smiles
the baby lays sleeping
dreaming of puppies and drums

she stirs
awaking happy
the three of us sneak off
a Sunday morning adventure
into your quiet town
to gather treats for our lovers and loved

as they lie sleeping
we cook
we teach
we learn
breakfast pulls their faces into view

this is it
the way life should be
surrounded by our loved and lovers

a full house of joy
a house made into a home
crafted by loving
crafted by the joining of souls

ironic how the day found us:
the men out in the yard changing a tire
the women huddled around the baby
bathing
swaddling
laying to nap

there is a peace in that home
and we are a piece of it

gladly so.

Daylight

I smell you on my clothes;
on my hands.

All voices scratch as cat claws on bedposts.
Their contrast is yours.

You linger here...

My hands, my tounge,
my thoughts desire to create
and gift.

I draw for you;
write you poems.

My heart translates foreign texts.
My brain picks up clues in the context.

Nerves are shot,
bleached by the penetrating white heat
of each morning spent rising with the sun.

Slightly frightened:
this desire for constant interaction.

Slightly overwhelmed:
these feelings, this joy have been foreign so long.

our little birthday girl

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl


it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

undreaming

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

dressed for dreaming

naked summer sleeping

diagonal

over sheets



something else to get used to

when nothing else will suffice

fuck

Never Done Wearing Black

Cry until you puke baby
scream
and wail
and wail
and scream

hate me for my mistakes
and love me fiercely
love me forever

personal energy

in. ten. tion : to determine to act in a certain way

ac.tion : a thing done ; the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition


With the best intentions
you try your best
but what happens when
your best isn't what I need
I find my energy stores are low
daily depleted by grief
life
taking care

I need a soul that will feed mine
send that energy back my way

I know
some point soon
I'm going to have to give you less
if your best
doesn't shine through

I know
I haven't given you much
just daydreams
just thoughts

Thinking and daydreaming make me smile
and so do you in the spirit of my honesty

I'm all
dry throats and shiny teeth

and I like it

try, trying, tried

I'm ready to try
I don't think it will ever get easy
love doesn't come that way
and if it's worth wanting
it's worth working for

I'm going to try

It's Ice

I press on the elastic sheet, I'm breathing through a slice
'Are they worms or are the serpents?' bubbles through the ice
The source was quite invisible, the ever-present voice
While skating, both legs tracing different shapes, I made my choice

Mimicking the image in whose radiance I bask
I'm tied to him, or him to me, depending who you ask
None the less reluctantly reflections tumble in
I slide with all the other on the wrong side of the skin

He's fallen on the ice, it cracks
Will he plunge in and join me here?
He meets my eyes, to my surprise
He laughs in full light of my frown
My double wants to pull me down

Slipping on the friction slide, my skin peels to the bone
The flesh I leave behind, is something that is not my own
I beg my mirror image for a moment with my soul
He's leaning back, time to attack, It's me who's in control

And every move I make he's got a hand up just in time
He's throwing several punches, and he's blocking most of mine
Defeated now I sulk and squirm in mud with frozen mice
Waiting, calculating till next he ventures onto the ice.

~Phish

quite possiby lost

since you've gone
chances were taken
none too carefully
friendships strained
some broke repairable?
connections made
lost
severed
and on some days missed

who am I?

what am I now?

I'm struggling to find
me without you
struggling to meet my own needs

I find myself pulling in
pulling back
growing a little less warm
and I don't like it
but how else do I get on
day to day?

I crave connections
but can only offer so little
my heart's not in it
and that only brings
disappointment

I'm not the bad guy

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

for a film

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

Sing.. us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill, such a chill

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one in everlasting peace

We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke



~Radiohead

a fake death

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

minding shapes

the clouds
they make shapes
take shapes
of lovers on their backs
giggling
holding hands
smiling
I want to be happy for them
while my world turns green




photo courtesy of Ferran

Thoughts on the first X

I wanna ask you
do you ever sit and wonder
it's so strange that we could be together
for so long and never know never care
what goes on in the other one's head
things i thought that i never said
you said things that i never said so
i'll say something that i should have said
long ago

You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me

You coulda just propped me up at the table like a mannequin
or a cardboard standup and give me
any face that you wanted me to be seen
we're damned by the existential moment
when we saw the couple in the coma
and it was weakened witht he cliche
but we carried on anyway

so sure i could just close my eyes
yeah sure trace and memorize
but can you go back once you know

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

if i'm the person who you say i am
clueless chump you seem to think i am
so ? let it straight and your'e a dog
who cassionally escapes and needs a shorter leash
i thought would you want me back
maybe it's because...

you don't know me at all

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

so i think i'm tryna say this
what i'm tryna tell you is
not gonna come out right
don't wanna say it cause i know you'll only change it (change it, change it)

lyrics by Ben Folds

someone else's song

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, yet undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken
Undecided, undefined

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, but undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked
Undecided, undefined

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, but undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked
Undecided, undefined

by Phish

wanderlust

home
my heart is in my chest presumably

life in Tampa
is like a party I wasn't invited to

my sentences disjoint of late
my head is heavy, stuffy, cloudy
my toes are chilly

I'm at square one
not wanting to go it alone

inside
I'm throwing myself onto the floor
as a child
kicking my feet
banging fists
swinging limbs
crying
screaming
I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

photo courtesy of LuLuP

sensitivity

I feel them looking
and not seeing
spotting my form
spotting my child
spotting the missing ring
missing the band on my right
they don't know
what it means

and their judging burns holes through me
and I want to scream
you don't know me
and I think to myself
why do I care

finding myself in rare form more and more these days

To give a little background I've been blogging on myspace for a few years. They are random at best, not particularly artistic, not over thought, and unedited. They are more like a journal entry while this blog was supposed to be just for more artistic endeavors, more uniform, certainly edited, less every day language, but I feel the need to post this babbling, maybe this is where my project here is heading? If it is I need an editor or maybe I don't. I will let you be the judge of that. The following is my myspace blog for today.
___________________________________________________________here we go...


I'm trying to write in my other blog.
I know what I want to say I just can't get it out and I'm questioning whether or not anyone can even understand what I'm saying in the first place. I am unaware of how to make my cryptic words identifiable. In short, If I was reading my blog I probably wouldn't subscribe.
If I didn't relate to what i was reading then why the hell read it?
Aye. or Oi. Whatever is most appropriate in this scenario.


I have several issue bouncing around in my head that I just want to get out and hopefully get out artistically but it seems I hate everything I write right now. If you are a writer I know you've been here. It's not writer's block I don't think. I'm not sure what to call it really. It doesn't feel like self criticism because I am always my worst critic and most days I love what I write, or at least I can tolerate it enough to put it out there. As it stands I have at least 3 drafts and two more on the way by the end of the hour.

My blog project is developing, growing, changing, all that is well and good but it's getting harder to write for it, my expectations are heightening. And I'm so fucking sick of people thinking that because I write it down then it is truth, and for heaven's sake I'm not always talking about you! You are not the center of my universe. End of story. (that's about as aggressive as I get folks.)

I admired and chastised Mike for living his life honestly, this is different than always being honest, all this means is that if he didn't like something you knew it and if he loved something you knew it.
I wish I was better at telling people to fuck off when it's appropriate to do so. To trim the fat and move on, this is MY life, I am not here to make YOU happy, not here to skirt around your feelings when somebody needs to tell you you are being an asshole. Mike was never afraid to call that out. I think I needed someone to tell me when I was being an ass, everybody needs someone to do that for them. I might even need someone to point out when others are being assholes because really I let things go to easily and I see the good inside which often excuses rough exteriors. Put that together with a high capacity for forgiveness and a high tolerance for fuck ups and you get whatever I am.
Lately though I think I might call them out, I might trim the fat, recognize that fucking up with me has consequences and that consequence is being cut out like a cancer. No second chances but also no grudges. Cut it out, forgive and forget.
There are a lot of people in this world and not all of them deserve what I have to give.
It feels cynical to say those things because above all else I love wholeheartedly and I do believe everyone deserves love, but maybe they just don't deserve my love.

healthy dash of cynicism

the human condition
never more simple
more complicated

can you trim the fat
and turn inward
while expressing outward
expressing love unconditionally

can you love
and
be human

is it because you are human
that you love

is it tenderness that turns you inward

so much love
so much pain because of

accept destruction
as part of it all
accept chaos
as part of it all
it's all in you and you are in it all

can you see the beauty
in the simplest complications

can you see all things at all times

it is time to accept
the darkness and the light

because you are only human
because you are human
be human

it's all you can be
it's not an excuse

it's beautiful

Falling Out Before Ever Falling In

the language of lovers turned acquaintances
dwindles to nothing
all dwindles to nothing
and nothing ever ends
hopeful and disheartening

This Girl Part II

This girl
is ready

this girl
is saving her energy
and steering clear of drains

this girl
is running on a closed circuit system
and isn't going down
with any sinking ships

this girl
is brimming
with self satisfaction
and hope
and promise
love
and light

this girl
has a date with destiny

and as I told my friend
destiny waits for no woman

and as I told another friend
no one can love too much

lucky to the few who know
love springs from the inside
and reflects in mirrors

this girl

never been so sure

I know what is
and what is not.

clouds in my coffee

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...
Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and...

mothridden

what started out whole
is bitten and torn

missing pieces
I make my family

hopefull

Originally uploaded by hlkljgk

testing one two three

I said aloud
it'll be easy not to call
easy not to miss
but I forgot how lonely
afternoons can be
when the baby sleeps
and the only thing to look forward to
is night and the quiet of sleeping

rocks in my pockets

weighted down
my heavy soul
wanting bright eyes
working towards the confidence to smile
to show the light
I know it's there
my friends tell me

a ship with no harbor

every night of loneliness
feels like the first
the pain
the sting
may never dull
I find no comfort here
I could call
you wouldn't come
shouldn't come
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor
are temporary band aids any good?
should I ask you
to aid in the healing
I'm not sure
and I'll never know
because decisions have been made
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor

wishes make poor companions

I want to be well
am I well?

I want you to be well
please be well

be well for you
be well for her
she needs you

and I don't know what I need
-not that you asked

I look in the mirror and I wish
I wish I was beautiful again
I wish my belly was round
and high
and he was here to love us

I wish I didn't cry
every night

I wish you didn't feel pity

I wish I could feel

I wish I could touch

I wish I could see

I wish I was stronger
don't I?

I wish I

I wish I could let go
of so much

I wish there was something more real
than wishes to keep me company tonight

but love is gone

and the cool night wind

I have memories
tangled in Orion's belt

they are chilly
and smell of red wine

new
sweet
and complicated

softening
what could have been sharp

I'm thankful
I'm gracious

for time given to
shared with
me
and the cool night wind

good for my heart

tiny fingers
tiny nose
tiny ears
tiny toes

there's one thing
I know for sure

her tiny heart
is good for mine

warm lights and the scent of flowers

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

a thousand words

( photo couretsey of BobL2008 )

brew

I feel myself

growing

very still

very quiet

as the sky

before a great storm

midnight

A midnight dance
my two left feet
on the patio
alone
yet
not so very

the falling leaves
are the song
and the breeze
fills

let's discover
if one can extinguish and dance

going back

lately I reminisce
remembering how as a child
wrapped in a warm towel clean after a bath
I would point my nose to the ceiling and shake my head slowly back and forth tickle my spine with the ends of my blond wisps
and wish my mom would let me grow out my hair
I seek to reconnect with such simple pleasures
I see my own daughter examine a dried leaf
she watches it tumbling
driven by the breeze
to be enraptured by something so simple
I want to be that intent focused on enjoying the small
I wonder how we went from aching for the simple thrill of finding your hand in another's grasp
to wanting so much more flesh
almost insatiably
and I wonder
how does one go back

Oracle

My question :
where is honesty safe
here?
probably not.

I think back on where it was last safe
where it wasn't used to sting
manipulate
control

I try and recreate the moment
but my trusted hearts are gone
one component remains
myself
and integrity

my question remains the same
where is honesty safe?

chocolate advice

that look doesn’t suit you sweetie

your eyes are meant to shine

your plain-view words are meant to share

teach

heal

not for highlighting another’s misfortune

while you have the right to enjoy

your new found sense

this satisfaction you feel

keep it secret

keep it safe

follow the chocolate’s advice

and be a little mysterious

4 'oclock rain

it seems words
no longer assist
but destroy
where now does my
soul rest

pale and willful

If this wandering
takes 40 years
I will wake up
and old maid

which way is out of this desert
where my skin burns
my belly aches
sun-sick

too willful
for sunscreen

spell it out

words fail
broken sentences
run away
language come back
you 26 are all I have

saddle up and ride

sense
question
ask
listen
smile
joke
swallow
churn
grasp straws
implode
get sick
let go

then try again

(photo courtesy of BoudJ)

Lasting Impressions

photo courtesy of S~revenge
Last kisses are sneaky
little tender spies
variety unknown
until it's too late
until it's over

Ladies let this teach us
treat each kiss like your last
savor the sweet
live in each meeting of the lips

maintain your secret smile
with their memory

and tend to bruises another day

Know all your enemies

When you were young You were the king of
carrot flowers And how you built a tower
tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes
that fell all around your feet And your mom
would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And your dad would throw the garbage all
across the floor As we would lay and learn
what each other's bodies were for And this
is the room One afternoon I knew I could love
you And from above you how I sank into your
soul Into that secret place where no one dares
to go And your mom would sink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a
little more than he could dare to try I love you Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ I love you Yes I do And on the lazy days The dogs
dissolve and drain awayThe world it goes And all awaits The
day we are awaiting What a beautiful face I have found in this
place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone
from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here
with me And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from
the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay
in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can
see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me Anna's
ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through
me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your
mouth to make those muscles moveThat made your voice so smooth and
sweet And now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in
winter clothesWith one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know
his name What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is
circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be
laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't
believe how strange it is to be anything at all Two headed boy All
floating in glass The sun it has passed Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar I am listening to hear where you
are I am listening to hear where you are Two headed boy Put on
sunday shoes And dance round the room to accordion keys With the
needle that sings in your heart Catching signals that sound in the
dark Catching signals that sound in the dark We will take off our
clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your
spine Two headed boyWith pulleys and weights Creating a radio
played just for two In the parlor witha moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays Silver speakers that
sparkle all day Made for his lover who's floating and choking
with her hands across her faceAnd in the dark we will take off
our clothes And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in
your spine Two headed boy There is no reason to grieve The world
that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves Left beneath
Christmas trees in the snow And I will take you and leave you
alone Watching spirals of white softly flow Over your eyelids
and all you did Will wait until the point when you let go The
only girl I've ever loved Was born with roses in her eyes But
then they buried her alive One evening 1945 With just her sister
at her side And only weeks before the guns All came and rained on
everyone Now she's a little boy in Spain Playing pianos filled
with flames On empty rings around the sun All sing to say my dream
has come But now we must pick up every piece Of the life we used to
love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to carry on And now we
ride the circus wheel With your dark brother wrapped in white Says
it was good to be alive But now he rides a comet's flame And won't
be coming back again The Earth looks better from a star That's right
above from where you are He didn't mean to make you cry With sparks
that ring and bullets fly On empty rings around your heart The world
just screams and falls apart But now we must pick up every piece Of
the life we used to love Just to keep ourselves At least enough to
carry on And here's where your mother sleeps And here is the room
where your brothers were born Indentions in the sheets  Where their
bodies once moved but don't move anymore And it's so sad to see the
world agree That they'd rather see their faces fill with flies All
when I'd want to keep white roses in their eyes Sweet communist the
communist's daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stain the
mountaintops  with cocoa leaves along the border sweetness sings from every
corner cars careening from the clouds the bridges burst and twist around and
wanting something warm and moving bends towards herself the soothing proves that
she must still exist she moves herself about her fist sweet communist the communist
daughter standing on the see-weed water semen stains the mountain tops  Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory that
you thought you had left with some bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing
her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely
all of your friends are letting you blow bristling and ugly bursting with  fruits falling out
of the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting
things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing
next to me he's only my enemy I'll crush him with everything I own your father made fetuses
with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park  thunderous
sparks from the dark of the stadium the music and medicine you needed
for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings
bend all your notes for me soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were
beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful
pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling the semen all under the garden wall was
all you were needing when you still believed in me and I know they buried her body with
others her sister and mother and 500 families and she will remember me 50
years later I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies
we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away
from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel find ourselves inside
a stranger's stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
Daddy please hear this song that I sing In your heart there's a spark that
just screams For a lover to bring a child to your chest that could lay as
you sleep And love all you have left like your boy used to be Long ago wrapped in
sheets warm and wet Blister please with those wings in your spine Love to
be with a brother of mine How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight
Sounding only at night as you sleep Brother see we are one in the same And
you left with your head filled with flames And you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth push the pieces in place  Make your smile sweet
to see  Don't you take this away  I'm still wanting my face on your cheek
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place where some holy
spectacle lies  And when we break we'll wait for our miracle God is a place
you will wait for the rest of your life Two headed boy she is all you could
need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean

But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

and I pretend he's coming home soon

He loved me just the way I was He loved me already before I knew him I loved him the same loved him before paths crossed before words stumbled
before our coffee ground romance He loved to come home finding me perched in a chair reading, sipping tea or writing, feverishly
He liked me best in my own element

Today as I sit perched in a chair
reading next to a open window
the breeze playing with my hair
I think about his love for me

and I pretend he's coming home soon




photo courtesy of JcOlivera

Con Ella

Dueling for broken hearts
he's too hurt to stand
he'll go back

letting go
I only hope
She will endeavor to deserve him










Lilith by John-Collier

cherries blossom

somewhere tonight

she is smiling

he is biting his lip

face to face

they say the things not meant to be said

eye to eye

they rule the world

with chilled knees and bare feet

libidos and crossed wires

somewhere tonight

red wine breathes

she is thinking of him

too much

he is not here

he is not anywhere

somewhere tonight

she wants too much

expects too much

let’s too much go

somewhere tonight

electrical resistance is being charted

because he wants her

and she wants him

her skin red like clove cherries

Photo courtesy of Juergen Kurlvink

one of seven

photo courtesy of Hypergurl
I'd rather be
a glass of water: simple
a soft ball of wax: happy to be molded
a baby: brand new
but what I am aches
every part
all the time
always wanting
never satisfied
yearning takes so much energy
I want to swallow the world
or let it swallow me

Recipe for living and other low-fat vegetarian dishes

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

choose to blossom

always do

risk the elements

it is in my nature

our nature

we are not so different

I can see your eyes in mine

my face in your face

my skin may be softer

but we split just the same

bleed just the same

consider the homunculus

life desires living

and acts accordingly

flailing about,

lighting fires,

planning escape into warm soil

We don't want to hide away, we want to live.

My recipe for living:

guts

careful planning

wild actions

self- preservation

healthy mental landscape

the will to live

is the will to love

Sketch by Nicolaas Hartsoeker