To give a little background I've been blogging on myspace for a few years. They are random at best, not particularly artistic, not over thought, and unedited. They are more like a journal entry while this blog was supposed to be just for more artistic endeavors, more uniform, certainly edited, less every day language, but I feel the need to post this babbling, maybe this is where my project here is heading? If it is I need an editor or maybe I don't. I will let you be the judge of that. The following is my myspace blog for today.
___________________________________________________________here we go...
I'm trying to write in my other blog.
I know what I want to say I just can't get it out and I'm questioning whether or not anyone can even understand what I'm saying in the first place. I am unaware of how to make my cryptic words identifiable. In short, If I was reading my blog I probably wouldn't subscribe.
If I didn't relate to what i was reading then why the hell read it?
Aye. or Oi. Whatever is most appropriate in this scenario.
I have several issue bouncing around in my head that I just want to get out and hopefully get out artistically but it seems I hate everything I write right now. If you are a writer I know you've been here. It's not writer's block I don't think. I'm not sure what to call it really. It doesn't feel like self criticism because I am always my worst critic and most days I love what I write, or at least I can tolerate it enough to put it out there. As it stands I have at least 3 drafts and two more on the way by the end of the hour.
My blog project is developing, growing, changing, all that is well and good but it's getting harder to write for it, my expectations are heightening. And I'm so fucking sick of people thinking that because I write it down then it is truth, and for heaven's sake I'm not always talking about you! You are not the center of my universe. End of story. (that's about as aggressive as I get folks.)
I admired and chastised Mike for living his life honestly, this is different than always being honest, all this means is that if he didn't like something you knew it and if he loved something you knew it.
I wish I was better at telling people to fuck off when it's appropriate to do so. To trim the fat and move on, this is MY life, I am not here to make YOU happy, not here to skirt around your feelings when somebody needs to tell you you are being an asshole. Mike was never afraid to call that out. I think I needed someone to tell me when I was being an ass, everybody needs someone to do that for them. I might even need someone to point out when others are being assholes because really I let things go to easily and I see the good inside which often excuses rough exteriors. Put that together with a high capacity for forgiveness and a high tolerance for fuck ups and you get whatever I am.
Lately though I think I might call them out, I might trim the fat, recognize that fucking up with me has consequences and that consequence is being cut out like a cancer. No second chances but also no grudges. Cut it out, forgive and forget.
There are a lot of people in this world and not all of them deserve what I have to give.
It feels cynical to say those things because above all else I love wholeheartedly and I do believe everyone deserves love, but maybe they just don't deserve my love.
"No second chances but also no grudges. Cut it out, forgive and forget."
ReplyDeleteThe few times I've had the strength-- and the need-- to cut someone wholly out of my life, that's exactly how it's worked. Once I was able to sever that tie completely, my anger melted away. I still didn't want that person in my life because I knew they were toxic for me, but I was able to have compassion for them in a way I couldn't when they were still too close.
Good luck, love.