Smile

It's better when you smile.

the one thing I can count on

It's not that it's hard to change my mind or that I don't want to or that I can't.

I just have to be ready for it.

Then I just do it and go on.

I think it happens automatically, it seems I realize one day that I'm changed. I wake up and things are different and once I change my mind then that's it.

I'm a very stubborn Taurus, ask anyone.

I think it happens when I let the emotion tied to my thoughts go. Letting go is hard, but so is creating the space to let myself feel everything so that I can let go.

There isn't always a good time to cry, or scream and instead of expressing my anger by yelling I usually do something reckless, generally harmless so don't worry. Nothing I haven't told my bestie in great detail and mulled over the next day trying to extrapolate a very quickly learned life lesson from.

Back to mind changing: I wrote this last blog:"I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I but I don't-I'm still processing how that makes me feel"

I lied, I do know how it made me feel and how I felt was like shit. Well, I changed my mind and this past week has been really nice.

Here's something else I changed my mind about. I was at the beach with friends, the sun was setting and in a sea of couples I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel lonely. I felt complete standing with my toes in the ocean. I explained to my ex that it was really hard for me to enjoy myself when I was the only single girl (like at my friend's anniversary party) or when I was the only one who's family was incomplete (like Easter at a friend's house). I don't know if he understood, but being around all the families made me feel like shit. It was partly jealousy, partly a huge reminder that my husband is dead. That the three of us will never be a family.I also find myself feeling bitter when I see two people happy together instead of being happy. I didn't feel that at the beach, the bitter is gone too. (thank god, b/c I did not like that girl)

I will likely feel cheated, but when I can finally lay my grief to rest then that will go away too. It's a long road from here to there. I'm sure of that.

Maybe all of this is connected and I really only had to change the way I see about one thing.

My family.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit"