charmed

tell all your secrets
to the girl
with big eyes

her heart is big
a safe place to rest

lay them with the others

secrets swirl in deep pools

Easy Math

a curl wrapped around my finger
two pairs of tangled knees
two grins
four eyes smiling

Two Birds

It's dark outside
and I can hear the birds
not singing

they are somewhere safe and warm
in nests
in nooks of trees
wrapped in tiny
tufts of fur
of soft leaves

Smile

It's better when you smile.

the one thing I can count on

It's not that it's hard to change my mind or that I don't want to or that I can't.

I just have to be ready for it.

Then I just do it and go on.

I think it happens automatically, it seems I realize one day that I'm changed. I wake up and things are different and once I change my mind then that's it.

I'm a very stubborn Taurus, ask anyone.

I think it happens when I let the emotion tied to my thoughts go. Letting go is hard, but so is creating the space to let myself feel everything so that I can let go.

There isn't always a good time to cry, or scream and instead of expressing my anger by yelling I usually do something reckless, generally harmless so don't worry. Nothing I haven't told my bestie in great detail and mulled over the next day trying to extrapolate a very quickly learned life lesson from.

Back to mind changing: I wrote this last blog:"I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I but I don't-I'm still processing how that makes me feel"

I lied, I do know how it made me feel and how I felt was like shit. Well, I changed my mind and this past week has been really nice.

Here's something else I changed my mind about. I was at the beach with friends, the sun was setting and in a sea of couples I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel lonely. I felt complete standing with my toes in the ocean. I explained to my ex that it was really hard for me to enjoy myself when I was the only single girl (like at my friend's anniversary party) or when I was the only one who's family was incomplete (like Easter at a friend's house). I don't know if he understood, but being around all the families made me feel like shit. It was partly jealousy, partly a huge reminder that my husband is dead. That the three of us will never be a family.I also find myself feeling bitter when I see two people happy together instead of being happy. I didn't feel that at the beach, the bitter is gone too. (thank god, b/c I did not like that girl)

I will likely feel cheated, but when I can finally lay my grief to rest then that will go away too. It's a long road from here to there. I'm sure of that.

Maybe all of this is connected and I really only had to change the way I see about one thing.

My family.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit"

What I learned from crack:

Why do we search for reasons to stay with a partner who doesn't love us quite enough? How is that acceptable on any level? Why is watching creamer swirl into my coffee so mesmerizing? Why have my girlfriends (the ones I consider most like myself mind you) started dating women? Does this happen at 30 when you haven't found someone to make a life with? Should I open up my possibilities? Three of my friends who have say that relationships with women are not sustainable, the dynamic is off,the roles are confusing.The other two haven't reported back yet.

I'm starting to change perspective I think, in a lot of ways but especially regarding "family crack" moments. First I'll try and explain "family crack". Either you've experienced this or you can imagine it, I saw a family crack moment used in a Publix commercial recently where the little boy wakes up with a football helmet on, the idea was that football games were "their time" so mom didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen cooking. The last scene is the family of three cheering on the game together. The feeling mom (and dad I can only assume) were feeling at that moment of togetherness, family, that feeling you felt when you were a child and try to recreate in your adult life with the partner you choose.....that feeling is as addictive, it is a drug. Now a drug addiction might be OK if it's socially acceptable (like caffeine) and readily available. A drug addiction is not OK (for a host of reasons, but just go with me here) it's not OK in your perspective when you don't have a supply and if you can't afford it. If you don't have a family unit that gives you the feeling of family you will likely search for it (I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I, but I don't-I'm still processing how that realization makes me feel)

OK I got a little off course....back on track. I will use fictional characters to illustrate.

Angie is a 30 year old mother of one, she's been divorced from her child's father for 3 years and has had a steady boyfriend for 10 months now that she really really really likes. One weekend morning instead of her boyfriend hightailing it out of Angie's bed and home before her child awakes he stays, they make pancakes, they all sit down to eat together. Family crack streams through Angie's veins.

My original stance was to avoid F.C. at any cost and I often failed miserably. My favorite failure was when Michael was sitting on Aud's floor, I sat in Michael's lap and Audrey fresh from the bath sat in mine. Michael read her a story about tadpoles. We put her to bed together. I can still recall the feeling it gave me as clear as my first taste of pure molly.

This created a craving and it also created a false sense of family. We were not a family. Michael was not nor did he aim to be her father. In that moment I was fooled and I saw a connection where there wasn't one because that is what I wanted to see. With that perspective I regretted those moments.

I don't enjoy regrets, I don't enjoy making mistakes, but I accept them as a necessary part to my personal learning process(much to the chagrin of my friends and family).
Like this one song says second best to playing and winning is playing and losing. I'm here for the experience, I'm here for the ride. I have a deep understanding that life is a series of moments that we must be present for, family crack moments included. We get so wrapped up in how they will affect us later that we forget to experience our lives. There is a balance, a tight rope walk between living now and living for tomorrow.

Today, when I think back on that tadpole book moment I revel in the feeling it recalls. No regrets and no expectations. (Kelly is the master on the subject of expectations, she's helping me learn) It doesn't make me sad, nostalgic or otherwise melancholic. It makes me feel blessed to have experienced it and then I let the memory go, I see it float on down the road. Life is teaching me to let go.

What I learned from all this is that part of the experience of living mindfully is seeing what is truly there. I can have a moment where whomever I'm dating does a fatherly thing, we are all walking through the grocery store, he helps her tie her shoe,he takes a turn carrying her through the park, etc. I can see these moments as times where a dear friend shows kindness to me and her, no expectations is the key.

Those times are no different than when my best friend's husband teaches Audrey how to kick a soccer ball or when one of my girlfriends helps her practice using her arms to swim.

I would still warn against F.C. saturation b/c it's very hard not to have expectations and very hard not to see what you want to see. There is also the ways in which it will affect Audrey(that's an entirely different blog...please don't think she's not a consideration in all of my activities with boyfriends)

It's funny how things will just come to you.This all came to my while laying on the couch watching a movie last night.

It's reassuring to realize that I'm still learning. I'm growing, I'm changing. I am not a stagnant mosquito infested pond. I might not be the grand rapids either, but perhaps somewhere in between, something like a small cool spring trickling from a pinhole in a rock.

Prayer

May my heart of longing
be transformed
to a heart of gratitude.

Falling Stars

I have

dark circles under my eyes
dishes in the sink

crayons in the carpet

beers in the fridge

I have


feelings that won't quit
that I can't drown
that creep up

I want

to be held
to be safe
to be secure
to believe

to know
that after all the guests are gone
you'll stay.

one smile and we understood

In a torn yellow dress
I sat exhausted after the fit
where I had thrown you all from my table

one hand reached out
and a smile was given

one smile and we understood

Remembering Faith

Obedience
feels like brokenness
brokenness
feels like falling
falling into nothing
tearful
fearful

attempting friendship

is kinda like swallowing ice cubes
and I'm pretty sure they will melt eventually
turn to water
and slip right down

gin

cute
sentimental
tease

hangovers make me wonder how I ended up here

private grief

hard to explain

so I don't speak

I grieve in private

I take deep breaths

hold it in

let it out

late at night

alone

patience

seams are splitting
faster than I can mend
no time for sorrow today
no time

perhaps I stepped forward
onto thin air

perhaps I am not strong
simply weathered
touched by grief

perhaps I am just a girl
enslaved

wanting old habits
wanting to run away

perhaps we are all running
if we could only just hold on
hold until storms pass

patience in pain

It's all your fault.

an apprehensive smile
was pulled from my lips
while walking out of the grocer

komm fuell mein leer haus

Pull out the poetry
unravel me line by line
in quiet honest moments
I think quiet honest thoughts