Working Through

I peel away scabs soon as they form

Watching the blood bead and fall

Pouring over the letters I still can't make them out

Of course this is about me

Of course I don't run his show

And fuck you for saying so

Aren't you tired of lashing out

Stings and burns

Blisters and scars

I miss what hurts me most

It's so fucked

And it's no mystery to me

The less I talk, the more I think

The more I miss

The more I dream of reconciliation

and memories of sunsets

(thank god for distractions)

She's under my skin

I allowed it years ago

Now she shakes my confidence

Precipitates doubt and questioning

What motivation had I for any of it

What's my motivation now

So scared of what comes next

That I've handled it wrong

Been scared before, but not of change 

Things did get easier

After I took control

Removed myself from equations

Walked away from love

Toothache has now replaced pebbles in my shoe

Nobody has won

exercises in surrender

I think much of letting go
some things are easier than others
letting go of pain: easy (with practice)
letting go of things: easy (with practice)
of all that no longer serves me 
now how to let go of things we want kept
when those things want to walk away
same as the others I suppose
practice
exercises in surrender

not alone but left behind

not alone but left behind
flock scattered
but a few
the quiet one
didn't ask the others to stay
(now they are all "others")
They didn't ask anything
she has the only voice now
the birds flock
they forget 
but a few
I'm fairly certain birds don't cry
I only cry in dreams 
and rainy days suffice
I want to call the fall a slippery slope
of crossed lines, blurred vision
I want to say it could have happened to anyone
with a beating heart
love happens to us sometimes
and other times we choose it
either way it could destroy us all
she has the only voice now
the birds flock
they forget
but a few

is it any wonder the quiet one has flown?

splintered

integrity
to remain true to yourself
when there are no mirrors left
cycles of betrayal
no room for misunderstanding
unnecessary explanations
distrust
broken
no more
no more
I don't remember how
life before them
before her
exhausted
I'll figure it out
.

Pragmatist

What I believe 
turned out 
quite simple.
I believe we are connected,
one being.
I like to imagine
each of us are but one expression 
of an infinite number 
of possible expressions.
We may be similar,
but each of us are a unique part
of the dynamic whole.
We come from and we go back
to the place 
with one conscious.
I believe it is beautiful there.
I believe it can be,
and often is,
beautiful here.
I believe life would improve
if lived genuinely,
if lived with integrity,
if lived willfully,
with purpose.

I find beauty and hope in these thoughts. 

Connection

                                                                  

in my dreams we are always holding hands

palm to palm

we solve all the problems 

smiling

logical

we talk it all out 

our eyes clear

as our lips drip with honesty

connection is made

and my want

vanishes 

Gathering to Let Go

I gather what was lost

-closure 
that had left my heart in want
was at my feet all these years
patiently lying in wait
as a loyal companion
for my fingers to sew the binding

a gift I give myself
and for them 
a gift of forgiveness 
and of letting go

I untangle myself from those webs
set down the burden of not knowing
of having to know

forgive myself for ill judgement
forgive them for theirs

the consequences of that
ill fated Winter
have lingered for long enough