Meant to be RED

Dear Sylas,

2011-10-11T16:08:00.000-04:00

You never saw the sun.
Created and cradled in the dark
I knew you alive,
inside my body we lived together
-with exception of the kicks your Father felt
no one knew you.
Grief is lonely
and days after you'd left our space
I still felt you move within
an infant ghost
haunting my womb.
Grief is like fear,
gives reasons for fear
-as if I needed more.

My body empty,
I feel alone among friends.
Our worlds stopped that day
-a frozen clock.
Others keep ticking.
Babies are born,
born of friends and strangers.
My guilt buries me during quiet moments.
I could not keep you alive,
Daddy could not save you.

When I first knew of you
my response was not joy
and in many moments I thought
"is this the right time?", "is this the right man?"
did my thoughts betray you,
push you away,
make you wish you belonged to some other mother,
did you know I loved you?
Did you feel it before I?
Self doubt and anguish fill me.
I wonder if you left in peace,
lulled to sleep by my beating heart

I like to think that as I slept the night you left
your kicks were spelling " I love you"
in the only language you knew.
Your Father is strength.
His grief expresses at times as forgetfulness,
a symptom of the daily life he took on too soon,
the routine he took on for me,
for your big sister.
She misses you,
asks about you often
-what happened and where you are.
She reminds me to have patience
mostly with myself
.

and with whatever else the universe has in store

Diamonds

2011-09-07T04:33:00.007-04:00

As we lay

-close as unassembled puzzle pieces lumped into a box

paper thin breath hangs between our lips

his tears come as perfect diamonds

collecting at lower lash and tumbling down cheeks

these diamonds communicate as our gift for words has failed

a glacier melts and pulls away from it's shore

we are sailing into blue, cold, open, endless possibilities

from the warm sun of where we thought we would be making our nest

strength to strength

a perfect circle of energy

from me to him

from him to me

I see in those most beautiful eyes

and feel with each touch of his steady hands

we can do this

as one

charmed

2010-12-09T23:28:00.003-05:00

tell all your secrets
to the girl
with big eyes

her heart is big
a safe place to rest

lay them with the others

secrets swirl in deep pools

Easy Math

2010-11-27T08:31:00.002-05:00

a curl wrapped around my finger
two pairs of tangled knees
two grins
four eyes smiling

Two Birds

2010-11-06T06:36:00.002-04:00

It's dark outside
and I can hear the birds
not singing

they are somewhere safe and warm
in nests
in nooks of trees
wrapped in tiny
tufts of fur
of soft leaves

Smile

2010-10-24T17:19:00.001-04:00

It's better when you smile.

the one thing I can count on

2010-10-03T18:14:00.003-04:00

It's not that it's hard to change my mind or that I don't want to or that I can't.

I just have to be ready for it.

Then I just do it and go on.

I think it happens automatically, it seems I realize one day that I'm changed. I wake up and things are different and once I change my mind then that's it.

I'm a very stubborn Taurus, ask anyone.

I think it happens when I let the emotion tied to my thoughts go. Letting go is hard, but so is creating the space to let myself feel everything so that I can let go.

There isn't always a good time to cry, or scream and instead of expressing my anger by yelling I usually do something reckless, generally harmless so don't worry. Nothing I haven't told my bestie in great detail and mulled over the next day trying to extrapolate a very quickly learned life lesson from.

Back to mind changing: I wrote this last blog:"I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I but I don't-I'm still processing how that makes me feel"

I lied, I do know how it made me feel and how I felt was like shit. Well, I changed my mind and this past week has been really nice.

Here's something else I changed my mind about. I was at the beach with friends, the sun was setting and in a sea of couples I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel lonely. I felt complete standing with my toes in the ocean. I explained to my ex that it was really hard for me to enjoy myself when I was the only single girl (like at my friend's anniversary party) or when I was the only one who's family was incomplete (like Easter at a friend's house). I don't know if he understood, but being around all the families made me feel like shit. It was partly jealousy, partly a huge reminder that my husband is dead. That the three of us will never be a family.I also find myself feeling bitter when I see two people happy together instead of being happy. I didn't feel that at the beach, the bitter is gone too. (thank god, b/c I did not like that girl)

I will likely feel cheated, but when I can finally lay my grief to rest then that will go away too. It's a long road from here to there. I'm sure of that.

Maybe all of this is connected and I really only had to change the way I see about one thing.

My family.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit"

What I learned from crack:

2010-09-26T10:04:00.005-04:00

Why do we search for reasons to stay with a partner who doesn't love us quite enough? How is that acceptable on any level? Why is watching creamer swirl into my coffee so mesmerizing? Why have my girlfriends (the ones I consider most like myself mind you) started dating women? Does this happen at 30 when you haven't found someone to make a life with? Should I open up my possibilities? Three of my friends who have say that relationships with women are not sustainable, the dynamic is off,the roles are confusing.The other two haven't reported back yet.

I'm starting to change perspective I think, in a lot of ways but especially regarding "family crack" moments. First I'll try and explain "family crack". Either you've experienced this or you can imagine it, I saw a family crack moment used in a Publix commercial recently where the little boy wakes up with a football helmet on, the idea was that football games were "their time" so mom didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen cooking. The last scene is the family of three cheering on the game together. The feeling mom (and dad I can only assume) were feeling at that moment of togetherness, family, that feeling you felt when you were a child and try to recreate in your adult life with the partner you choose.....that feeling is as addictive, it is a drug. Now a drug addiction might be OK if it's socially acceptable (like caffeine) and readily available. A drug addiction is not OK (for a host of reasons, but just go with me here) it's not OK in your perspective when you don't have a supply and if you can't afford it. If you don't have a family unit that gives you the feeling of family you will likely search for it (I *think* I should get that feeling of family when it's just Audrey and I, but I don't-I'm still processing how that realization makes me feel)

OK I got a little off course....back on track. I will use fictional characters to illustrate.

Angie is a 30 year old mother of one, she's been divorced from her child's father for 3 years and has had a steady boyfriend for 10 months now that she really really really likes. One weekend morning instead of her boyfriend hightailing it out of Angie's bed and home before her child awakes he stays, they make pancakes, they all sit down to eat together. Family crack streams through Angie's veins.

My original stance was to avoid F.C. at any cost and I often failed miserably. My favorite failure was when Michael was sitting on Aud's floor, I sat in Michael's lap and Audrey fresh from the bath sat in mine. Michael read her a story about tadpoles. We put her to bed together. I can still recall the feeling it gave me as clear as my first taste of pure molly.

This created a craving and it also created a false sense of family. We were not a family. Michael was not nor did he aim to be her father. In that moment I was fooled and I saw a connection where there wasn't one because that is what I wanted to see. With that perspective I regretted those moments.

I don't enjoy regrets, I don't enjoy making mistakes, but I accept them as a necessary part to my personal learning process(much to the chagrin of my friends and family).
Like this one song says second best to playing and winning is playing and losing. I'm here for the experience, I'm here for the ride. I have a deep understanding that life is a series of moments that we must be present for, family crack moments included. We get so wrapped up in how they will affect us later that we forget to experience our lives. There is a balance, a tight rope walk between living now and living for tomorrow.

Today, when I think back on that tadpole book moment I revel in the feeling it recalls. No regrets and no expectations. (Kelly is the master on the subject of expectations, she's helping me learn) It doesn't make me sad, nostalgic or otherwise melancholic. It makes me feel blessed to have experienced it and then I let the memory go, I see it float on down the road. Life is teaching me to let go.

What I learned from all this is that part of the experience of living mindfully is seeing what is truly there. I can have a moment where whomever I'm dating does a fatherly thing, we are all walking through the grocery store, he helps her tie her shoe,he takes a turn carrying her through the park, etc. I can see these moments as times where a dear friend shows kindness to me and her, no expectations is the key.

Those times are no different than when my best friend's husband teaches Audrey how to kick a soccer ball or when one of my girlfriends helps her practice using her arms to swim.

I would still warn against F.C. saturation b/c it's very hard not to have expectations and very hard not to see what you want to see. There is also the ways in which it will affect Audrey(that's an entirely different blog...please don't think she's not a consideration in all of my activities with boyfriends)

It's funny how things will just come to you.This all came to my while laying on the couch watching a movie last night.

It's reassuring to realize that I'm still learning. I'm growing, I'm changing. I am not a stagnant mosquito infested pond. I might not be the grand rapids either, but perhaps somewhere in between, something like a small cool spring trickling from a pinhole in a rock.

Prayer

2010-04-11T08:09:00.002-04:00

May my heart of longing
be transformed
to a heart of gratitude.

Falling Stars

2010-04-04T20:28:00.003-04:00

I have

dark circles under my eyes
dishes in the sink

crayons in the carpet

beers in the fridge

I have

feelings that won't quit
that I can't drown
that creep up

I want

to be held
to be safe
to be secure
to believe

to know
that after all the guests are gone
you'll stay.

one smile and we understood

2010-03-30T19:09:00.003-04:00

In a torn yellow dress
I sat exhausted after the fit
where I had thrown you all from my table

one hand reached out
and a smile was given

one smile and we understood

Remembering Faith

2010-03-22T21:17:00.003-04:00

Obedience
feels like brokenness
brokenness
feels like falling
falling into nothing
tearful
fearful

attempting friendship

2010-03-18T14:38:00.002-04:00

is kinda like swallowing ice cubes
and I'm pretty sure they will melt eventually
turn to water
and slip right down

gin

2010-03-13T12:29:00.002-05:00

cute
sentimental
tease

hangovers make me wonder how I ended up here

private grief

2010-02-23T23:15:00.002-05:00

hard to explain

so I don't speak

I grieve in private

I take deep breaths

hold it in

let it out

late at night

alone

patience

2010-02-08T06:27:00.003-05:00

seams are splitting
faster than I can mend
no time for sorrow today
no time

perhaps I stepped forward
onto thin air

perhaps I am not strong
simply weathered
touched by grief

perhaps I am just a girl
enslaved

wanting old habits
wanting to run away

perhaps we are all running
if we could only just hold on
hold until storms pass

patience in pain

komm fuell mein leer haus

2010-01-11T19:31:00.002-05:00

Pull out the poetry
unravel me line by line
in quiet honest moments
I think quiet honest thoughts

scolded

2009-11-27T00:10:00.001-05:00

greedy

patience girl

you only get one

The Nature of Things

2009-11-26T11:21:00.003-05:00

Love doesn't go
it evolves
it stays
it grows
Love doesn't go
it works its way in
quietly
passively
unexpectedly

thankfully

Books on a Shelf

2009-11-04T08:25:00.005-05:00

Opening the pages
you tell me your stories
asking for mine

You want to know me

how it is I got to this place

I want to know you
to know it all

Our lives on display

My life on display: I am fearless

fearless to move so close
to share so much

there is much to share

Loving the way each time we tangle we fit as puzzle pieces.

2009-10-26T09:16:00.003-04:00

Unsuspected well of strength
joy
finding before looking
you found me
and I smile
knowing a stable truth
a steady good.

Nouvel Amour

2009-10-18T17:23:00.002-04:00

Wanting to be ready,
knowing it might do me in,

I
step
forward.

I will die satisfied

2009-10-17T12:45:00.002-04:00

Love finds me when I think I'm not looking
Love finds me when I think I'm not ready
Love finds me when I didn't ask for it
Love finds me on Her own timing

I was born of Love
I will live in Love
to Love
to be Loved

and I will die satisfied
knowing
sure
that I have Loved

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

2009-10-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

You've got a cute way of talking
You got the better of me
Just snap your fingers and I'm walking
Like a dog hanging on your lead
I'm in a spin you know
Shaking on a string you know

You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing ahhh

Quarter to four in the morning
I ain't feeling tired no no no no no
Just hold me tight and leave on the light
Cause I don't want to go home

You put a spell on me
I'm right where you want me to be

You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I'm gonna dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing

You take me higher
I'm gonna catch on fire cause

You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing I'm gonna dance my life away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing dance the night away
I feel like dancing dancing ahhh

You really slipped me a potion
I cant get off of the floor
All this perpetual motion
You gotta give me some more
You gotta give me some more

And if you'll let me stay well dance our lives away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
You make me feel like dancing I wanna dance my life away
I feel
You make me feel like dancing

I want to be that muse again

2009-10-07T16:37:00.004-04:00

Christmas Eve you walked in the snow
beside the frozen interstate
miles to my door
you didn't even know I'd accept you there

I could have run to another country and
you would have met me

You were always there to scoop me up
feed me confidence
remind me of me

I laid all my possessions at your feet
I followed you
and you did the same
to the ends of the earth

it is silly of me to expect that love again
greedy and ungracious to be looking for it here

I can't follow you

excuses for not being someone else

2009-10-06T14:07:00.003-04:00

I do what I do
I am my actions
I am careful
I am serious

when I veer from conviction
I stumble

when I try to act
mistakes are made

these actions are not abnormal
for someone else

but I am not someone else

and funny as it sounds
I need to be reminded most days of late

consequence

2009-10-02T19:08:00.005-04:00

I noticed it first when
I thought of you
and that thought caused sinking
like swallowing a piece of ice whole
and that thought caused tightening
like the knot in your guts proceeding vomit
next withought conscious thought
those feelings blew away on the wind
that pain
was simply gone
drifted away leaving a blank space
and there I was walking
in the grayest field

I don't want to get stuck here

honest

2009-09-30T22:36:00.003-04:00

this bed is lonely
these sheets
this blanket
this body
these legs
this heart
this spirit is lonely
bonnaroo wine exaggerates

affection

2009-09-29T16:09:00.005-04:00

purposely
thoughtfully
I am in a moment
actively
precisely
recording it in my mind:
today it was your face
brand new
as a child upon waking
it was mingled contours
it was indecipherable bodies
it was the morning sun
filtering through my blinds
warming my face
painting our world gold

this is one of the moments I will chose to recall
when my grandchildren ask if I have had a happy life

this is the love that I have woven into my self

ignorance

2009-09-28T16:05:00.003-04:00

hey boy
come over here
I'll let you put your arms around me

hey boy
lets go for a stroll
I'll let you hold my hand

hey boy
forget what they told you

and stay the sickness away

Hochs und Tiefs

2009-09-25T13:37:00.004-04:00

when things get quiet
I miss everything

I am Love.

2009-09-24T23:26:00.004-04:00

closing down-fuck no
lefty loosey- fuck yes
I can't turn off this glow
I am not the sad girl

I'm in love with the world
and it loves me back
so much love my little heart explodes
projects
redirects

Prudence rings

I know what I have to give
and I repeat what I've said before
I am one of the lucky bastards
who realizes
love reflects in mirrors

and those mirrors are my friends
my sisters
my daughter

I might fall off
I might be bruised
but I saddle up
I know the highest highs
and I'm not afraid to FEEL

feel good
feel sad
feel everything

tonight I feel loved
maybe not from the sources I pour mine
love begets love

it can't be helped
I can't turn it off

it pours
it ooozes
from somewhere inside

and I love to give it

tonight I feel low
and tonight I feel happy
my melodrama plays out
and I know no matter what

I win.

end
of
story

making perfect

2009-09-24T18:54:00.002-04:00

practice being friends
practice ignoring the fire in my stomach
that IGNITES
each time we hang up, seperate

what exactly am I hiding away today
what may resonate by burying emotion
turning the spigot to the right
I worry about consequences

I may become like the rest
not out of want
but out of necessity

let's face it
priorities shift
and what I need right now is simplicity
routine
ambition
success

love can find me for a change

single

2009-09-21T12:36:00.005-04:00

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge."

We are born alone
we will die alone
it's the living business in between
that's hard to do alone
but I'm getting on with it

cross-referenced nighttime thinking might cause my brain to explode

2009-09-18T01:47:00.003-04:00

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

Coffee induced reasoning :

2009-09-18T01:23:00.002-04:00

Hope is important too.

I listen to you hang up...

2009-09-16T23:02:00.002-04:00

my heart sinks

I ask the air

why is love the most important thing to me?
why does it matter above all else?

My head spins

I close my eyes 'til sleep comes.

What I want most:

2009-09-16T13:37:00.003-04:00

to feel completely connected to another human

I remember how he asked me if he could crawl under my skin
spend the rest of his life there
and how I said yes

I remember feeling that with him by my side
I could do anything

We could bleed rocks

Feeling cheated out of family my thoughts spiral

It's easier to remember old pain
than to feel the new

Blasphemy

2009-09-14T08:34:00.002-04:00

Love, go away
tight chest
shallow breathes
Love, go away
un-welcomed guest
Love, go away

I am done with you today.

lilies to comfort you

2009-09-04T21:35:00.003-04:00

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 6:25-34

i want to write about everything

2009-09-04T11:49:00.006-04:00

i want you to take me canoeing
pack a picnic
gather the Hippies
head to Myakka

i want to drift past Alligators
discern an Egret from a Herron
an Ibis from a Spoonbill

i want to sit on a sandy bank
so still
so quiet
as to trick the hermit crabs out of their homes

i want to kiss

i want to wade in cool amber water
watch minnows chase breadcrumbs

i want to gather shells
for safe keeping

i want to bathe in sun
like lazy Snapping Turtles

i want to smell Spanish Moss
watch it swing from Cypress

i want to be inspired
by it
by us
by them

a good day

2009-09-03T13:42:00.006-04:00

begins as the sun rises
she eats her oatmeal
sips her soy
I make my coffee
pour the granola
we walk
listening to birds chirp
neighbors smile
nod
say hello
she giggles at the dogs in their yards
the birds in their trees
we find our park
do a lap
then swing
she smiles biggest when the breeze blows
we walk home to a small nap
I work, she sleeps
she wakes, we play
lunchtime comes
she washes her own hands
she brings me her flashcards
she brings me her blocks
she cuddles her duckie and says "nih-nih" when it's time to nap
she dreams
I clean
I plan
prepare dinner
she awakes and we visit the backyard
we snack and talk about the toys, trees, flowers, the cars that go by
dinner brings the whole house to the table
bathtime brings giggles
story time and bed come next
now mommy gets to rest

a perfect day would begin with smiles
and end with you

some other girl

2009-09-02T08:57:00.002-04:00

teach me not to fall so fast
not to jump right in
step right off
not to trust
not to feel
so much
so fast

not to miss you
not to miss

not to speak so loosely
sweetly
not to speak

six. twenty-five.forty-seven

2009-09-01T08:27:00.006-04:00

Forty-seven miles doesn't feel so far
when every south Florida sunrise is beautiful.

One constant I've found:
the sun always rises

and today that makes me glad

Each step is made in love.

2009-08-26T20:40:00.007-04:00

Today I wonder,
does my past intimidate?
I once felt as used goods
then yesterday I realized
I've lived,
fully.
I think of all my possible paths,
the ways my life could've gone
the house in Carrollwood
the wedding at nineteen
the husbands
the five year old, the threes- children who could have been,
would have been if things had gone differently.
I think of the love-
so much love
given
received
taken.
Every choice mine,
theirs
(His?)...
every event
every step leading to today.
My life : woman, widow, mother, girlfriend.
I revolve around love
and continue to do so.

Each step is made in love
and the one thing we can know for certain
is nothing is ever certain.

a song to start my moody day

2009-08-26T09:17:00.004-04:00

How've you been, have you been hiding out?
when I saw you last you didn't belong to anyone.

Its better now, we both got our hearts
sitting in the right place, all the time.

I've waited such a long, long time
to hear your voice again.

Spitting songs has never been so hard,
I get confused all the time...I always mess things up.

You're half mine, so when you comin' back?
Did you forget how brave you make me?

path

2009-08-19T22:17:00.005-04:00

let us feel
let us surprise
watch the moods rise and fall
and rise again
change is here
has always been
but now
it is time
and it is good

tempting more change

2009-08-05T11:16:00.003-04:00

Today I ask:

Why do my happiness and sadness walk holding hands?
Why do grief and joy run circles around my knees like children at play?

Why if I take one in must I take them both?
Why if I let one out, do they run after one another?

This year, lets try experiencing happiness without sadness creeping in and overshadowing.
Let's try.

thoughts so comforting

2009-08-05T11:07:00.004-04:00

you came without a question
and I felt without a doubt
a comfort
a comfort this time last year I believed never existed
I am overwhelmed
with everything
with the love I've been given
with the love I continue to give
with the storm outside
with change
with the storm inside
with responsibility
with continuing to breathe

and now there is this feeling
so real
this feeling
that when you are near
I am home

I am overwhelmed
by comfort

and today, pain

lightening strikes the ground outside my door
I dare not go out

remembering your love

2009-08-03T14:20:00.003-04:00

I met you as this bird
awaiting her moment of freedom
in a second I arose

you did not change me
you did not create me

you showed me
me

you saw in me what I could not

my mirror

you challenged me to trust in me

gave me the space to try it out,
to walk and stumble
to run, to crawl

to fly

Country Disappeared

2009-07-30T22:33:00.006-04:00

Wake up we're here
It's so much worse than we feared
There's nothing left here
The country has disappeared
If the winter trees bleeding, leave red blood
The summer sweet dreaming, april blush
But none of that is ever gonna mean as much to me again.

Hold out your hand,
there's so much you don't understand
So stick as close as you can,
all of the best laid plans
You've got the white clouds hanging so high above you
You've got the helicopters dangling angling to shoot,
the shots to feed the hungry weekend news crew anchorman.

So every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others guts,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

I won't take no
I won't let you go
All by yourself
Oh no you need my help
When the cold night shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere,
and melt on the blue breath of the auctioneers and disappear.

Every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others blood,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

~Wilco

listing

2009-07-30T01:06:00.002-04:00

love
flowers
puppies
napping in a rainstorm
baby toes
dolphin sex
eskimo kisses
boyfriend clothes
freckles
hammocks
earlobes
treehouses
nightingales
tadpoles

more smiling than you know

2009-07-27T12:54:00.004-04:00

16 days and you have left a mark

Today it is raining.
Today I am watching it rain.

I am sitting at the kitchen table
wondering to myself:

Is this salsa raw and vegan?

Während mein Körper hier ist, ist mein Herz dort...

2009-07-27T11:40:00.006-04:00

While my body is here, my heart is there...

Time spent waiting is a bittersweet garden.

Each moment spent apart
makes each moment spent in communion
much sweeter; more rare.

These obstacles are purely physical,
a test of our resources.

Honestly, seventy four miles has never felt so far away.

8.5.09

2009-07-23T17:08:00.002-04:00

My heart is a loaded gun;
a ticking bomb set to detonate.

I'm too scared to move a muscle.

Kussi

2009-07-22T11:50:00.004-04:00

Something like love stirs.

I think in poetry...

there is more beauty to be found in days that begin with you.

Enraptured

2009-07-22T11:44:00.005-04:00

You have a way
of melting my stress
-my sorrows
by taking my hand.

You have a way
of kissing me
that blurs all else
and sets thoughts to swirling.

You have a way
of speaking so sweetly.
I'm happy to
simply sit near,
be still,
listen.

You have a way.

You have a way.

Peace

2009-07-20T15:22:00.006-04:00

wake up with the sun
eyes wrinkle with smiles
the baby lays sleeping
dreaming of puppies and drums

she stirs
awaking happy
the three of us sneak off
a Sunday morning adventure
into your quiet town
to gather treats for our lovers and loved

as they lie sleeping
we cook
we teach
we learn
breakfast pulls their faces into view

this is it
the way life should be
surrounded by our loved and lovers

a full house of joy
a house made into a home
crafted by loving
crafted by the joining of souls

ironic how the day found us:
the men out in the yard changing a tire
the women huddled around the baby
bathing
swaddling
laying to nap

there is a peace in that home
and we are a piece of it

gladly so.

Daylight

2009-07-16T15:18:00.008-04:00

I smell you on my clothes;
on my hands.

All voices scratch as cat claws on bedposts.
Their contrast is yours.

You linger here...

My hands, my tounge,
my thoughts desire to create
and gift.

I draw for you;
write you poems.

My heart translates foreign texts.
My brain picks up clues in the context.

Nerves are shot,
bleached by the penetrating white heat
of each morning spent rising with the sun.

Slightly frightened:
this desire for constant interaction.

Slightly overwhelmed:
these feelings, this joy have been foreign so long.

our little birthday girl

2009-07-03T18:12:00.005-04:00

Her birthday banner is hung
presents lay opened on the floor
she is sitting in her highchair learning to use a spoon
the smell of dinner hangs
it is six o'clock
and this is the part
where you walk in through our door
where you ignore your work-weary bones
and you tell us " I love you"
where you laugh at the squash and carrots
allover her sweet little face
where you ignore how messy you'll get if you lift her
then you lift her and hug
and kiss
and twirl our little birthday girl

it's hard not to dwell on what should have been
so afraid of missing out on what is

undreaming

2009-06-27T22:29:00.003-04:00

the thought of making new dreams
has never been more daunting a task
has never been a task
undreaming six years worth of dreams
letting go
letting go
let go

I was there
soaking in the tub
you sat on the toilet's lid
strumming the guitar I bought for you at the pawn shop for your 28th birthday
Audrey played with a toy on the tile floor
listening
watching
learning to love
we were a happy family

let go
let it go
let you go
give you back to the universe

I ponder how to assimilate these dreams
withought aiming just to replace the missing character
because that's not fair
and I want to do right by whomever walks beside me

all I can think to do is undream
let them go
let go
let go
let go

give in to new dreaming
but how?

dressed for dreaming

2009-06-25T09:22:00.003-04:00

naked summer sleeping

diagonal

over sheets

something else to get used to

when nothing else will suffice

2009-06-07T20:18:00.002-04:00

fuck

Never Done Wearing Black

2009-06-03T11:19:00.002-04:00

Cry until you puke baby
scream
and wail
and wail
and scream

hate me for my mistakes
and love me fiercely
love me forever

personal energy

2009-05-21T08:02:00.004-04:00

in. ten. tion : to determine to act in a certain way

ac.tion : a thing done ; the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition

With the best intentions
you try your best
but what happens when
your best isn't what I need
I find my energy stores are low
daily depleted by grief
life
taking care

I need a soul that will feed mine
send that energy back my way

I know
some point soon
I'm going to have to give you less
if your best
doesn't shine through

I know
I haven't given you much
just daydreams
just thoughts

Thinking and daydreaming make me smile
and so do you in the spirit of my honesty

I'm all
dry throats and shiny teeth

and I like it

try, trying, tried

2009-05-11T11:51:00.003-04:00

I'm ready to try
I don't think it will ever get easy
love doesn't come that way
and if it's worth wanting
it's worth working for

I'm going to try

It's Ice

2009-05-09T00:16:00.002-04:00

I press on the elastic sheet, I'm breathing through a slice
'Are they worms or are the serpents?' bubbles through the ice
The source was quite invisible, the ever-present voice
While skating, both legs tracing different shapes, I made my choice

Mimicking the image in whose radiance I bask
I'm tied to him, or him to me, depending who you ask
None the less reluctantly reflections tumble in
I slide with all the other on the wrong side of the skin

He's fallen on the ice, it cracks
Will he plunge in and join me here?
He meets my eyes, to my surprise
He laughs in full light of my frown
My double wants to pull me down

Slipping on the friction slide, my skin peels to the bone
The flesh I leave behind, is something that is not my own
I beg my mirror image for a moment with my soul
He's leaning back, time to attack, It's me who's in control

And every move I make he's got a hand up just in time
He's throwing several punches, and he's blocking most of mine
Defeated now I sulk and squirm in mud with frozen mice
Waiting, calculating till next he ventures onto the ice.

~Phish

quite possiby lost

2009-05-05T10:16:00.006-04:00

since you've gone
chances were taken
none too carefully
friendships strained
some broke repairable?
connections made
lost
severed
and on some days missed

who am I?

what am I now?

I'm struggling to find
me without you
struggling to meet my own needs

I find myself pulling in
pulling back
growing a little less warm
and I don't like it
but how else do I get on
day to day?

I crave connections
but can only offer so little
my heart's not in it
and that only brings
disappointment

I'm not the bad guy

product of lowered seratonin levels and love songs

2009-04-19T22:40:00.006-04:00

Lonely and tired

Tired of lonely

Wishing someone shivered when I passed

wishing to see the flush of a face

stop blending into the walls

when did I become the nice girl

finishing last

impressionless

I want to give butterflies

And I promise to return the favor

For a little while

I’ll care for you

For a little while

It’s all I can spare

When the attraction I have

Is to affairs with visible endings

I can't handle any more shock

goodbyes are never fun

Never fine

And I’m tired of saying it

I still want what I can never have again maybe I always will

And there are impossible shoes to fill

I want you and I don’t want you

Ignoring the red flags I pressed on

only now I’m unafraid

to say it hurt

to say

that I hate he got to me

if you come around

don’t get too comfortable

this won’t last

but I’ll treat you like a king while it does

as long as you forget to breathe when I'm near

for a film

2009-04-16T01:31:00.003-04:00

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

Sing.. us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill, such a chill

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one in everlasting peace

We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke

~Radiohead

a fake death

2009-04-14T13:16:00.004-04:00

dreams trick
at least mine do
you showed up on my doorstep
you were crying and apologizing
I held you
I wrapped my arms around your head
my hands on your neck
you looked at me
you started to explain
someone was after you
they threatened your life
you had to disappear
but your home now

minding shapes

2009-04-04T08:25:00.005-04:00

the clouds
they make shapes
take shapes
of lovers on their backs
giggling
holding hands
smiling
I want to be happy for them
while my world turns green

photo courtesy of Ferran

Thoughts on the first X

2009-04-03T21:44:00.003-04:00

I wanna ask you
do you ever sit and wonder
it's so strange that we could be together
for so long and never know never care
what goes on in the other one's head
things i thought that i never said
you said things that i never said so
i'll say something that i should have said
long ago

You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me
You don't know me at all
You don't know me

You coulda just propped me up at the table like a mannequin
or a cardboard standup and give me
any face that you wanted me to be seen
we're damned by the existential moment
when we saw the couple in the coma
and it was weakened witht he cliche
but we carried on anyway

so sure i could just close my eyes
yeah sure trace and memorize
but can you go back once you know

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

if i'm the person who you say i am
clueless chump you seem to think i am
so ? let it straight and your'e a dog
who cassionally escapes and needs a shorter leash
i thought would you want me back
maybe it's because...

you don't know me at all

you don't know me
you don't know me at all

so i think i'm tryna say this
what i'm tryna tell you is
not gonna come out right
don't wanna say it cause i know you'll only change it (change it, change it)

lyrics by Ben Folds

someone else's song

2009-03-22T20:47:00.001-04:00

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, yet undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken
Undecided, undefined

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, but undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed, but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked
Undecided, undefined

Undecided, undefined
Undisturbed, but undermind

Relocated, not retired
Reprimanded and rewired

Mystified and mishapen
Misinformed but not mistaken

Reinvented, redefined
Rearranged, but not refined

Unrelenting, understroked
Undeterred, yet unprovoked
Undecided, undefined

by Phish

wanderlust

2009-03-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

home
my heart is in my chest presumably

life in Tampa
is like a party I wasn't invited to

my sentences disjoint of late
my head is heavy, stuffy, cloudy
my toes are chilly

I'm at square one
not wanting to go it alone

inside
I'm throwing myself onto the floor
as a child
kicking my feet
banging fists
swinging limbs
crying
screaming
I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

photo courtesy of LuLuP

sensitivity

2009-03-16T09:33:00.005-04:00

I feel them looking
and not seeing
spotting my form
spotting my child
spotting the missing ring
missing the band on my right
they don't know
what it means

and their judging burns holes through me
and I want to scream
you don't know me
and I think to myself
why do I care

finding myself in rare form more and more these days

2009-03-16T09:17:00.003-04:00

To give a little background I've been blogging on myspace for a few years. They are random at best, not particularly artistic, not over thought, and unedited. They are more like a journal entry while this blog was supposed to be just for more artistic endeavors, more uniform, certainly edited, less every day language, but I feel the need to post this babbling, maybe this is where my project here is heading? If it is I need an editor or maybe I don't. I will let you be the judge of that. The following is my myspace blog for today.
___________________________________________________________here we go...

I'm trying to write in my other blog.
I know what I want to say I just can't get it out and I'm questioning whether or not anyone can even understand what I'm saying in the first place. I am unaware of how to make my cryptic words identifiable. In short, If I was reading my blog I probably wouldn't subscribe.
If I didn't relate to what i was reading then why the hell read it?
Aye. or Oi. Whatever is most appropriate in this scenario.

I have several issue bouncing around in my head that I just want to get out and hopefully get out artistically but it seems I hate everything I write right now. If you are a writer I know you've been here. It's not writer's block I don't think. I'm not sure what to call it really. It doesn't feel like self criticism because I am always my worst critic and most days I love what I write, or at least I can tolerate it enough to put it out there. As it stands I have at least 3 drafts and two more on the way by the end of the hour.

My blog project is developing, growing, changing, all that is well and good but it's getting harder to write for it, my expectations are heightening. And I'm so fucking sick of people thinking that because I write it down then it is truth, and for heaven's sake I'm not always talking about you! You are not the center of my universe. End of story. (that's about as aggressive as I get folks.)

I admired and chastised Mike for living his life honestly, this is different than always being honest, all this means is that if he didn't like something you knew it and if he loved something you knew it.
I wish I was better at telling people to fuck off when it's appropriate to do so. To trim the fat and move on, this is MY life, I am not here to make YOU happy, not here to skirt around your feelings when somebody needs to tell you you are being an asshole. Mike was never afraid to call that out. I think I needed someone to tell me when I was being an ass, everybody needs someone to do that for them. I might even need someone to point out when others are being assholes because really I let things go to easily and I see the good inside which often excuses rough exteriors. Put that together with a high capacity for forgiveness and a high tolerance for fuck ups and you get whatever I am.
Lately though I think I might call them out, I might trim the fat, recognize that fucking up with me has consequences and that consequence is being cut out like a cancer. No second chances but also no grudges. Cut it out, forgive and forget.
There are a lot of people in this world and not all of them deserve what I have to give.
It feels cynical to say those things because above all else I love wholeheartedly and I do believe everyone deserves love, but maybe they just don't deserve my love.

healthy dash of cynicism

2009-03-16T02:44:00.006-04:00

the human condition
never more simple
more complicated

can you trim the fat
and turn inward
while expressing outward
expressing love unconditionally

can you love
and
be human

is it because you are human
that you love

is it tenderness that turns you inward

so much love
so much pain because of

accept destruction
as part of it all
accept chaos
as part of it all
it's all in you and you are in it all

can you see the beauty
in the simplest complications

can you see all things at all times

it is time to accept
the darkness and the light

because you are only human
because you are human
be human

it's all you can be
it's not an excuse

it's beautiful

This Girl Part II

2009-03-09T15:17:00.006-04:00

This girl
is ready

this girl
is saving her energy
and steering clear of drains

this girl
is running on a closed circuit system
and isn't going down
with any sinking ships

this girl
is brimming
with self satisfaction
and hope
and promise
love
and light

this girl
has a date with destiny

and as I told my friend
destiny waits for no woman

and as I told another friend
no one can love too much

lucky to the few who know
love springs from the inside
and reflects in mirrors

this girl

2009-03-08T17:21:00.000-04:00

never been so sure

2009-03-07T01:11:00.001-05:00

I know what is
and what is not.

clouds in my coffee

2009-03-06T17:19:00.001-05:00

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...
Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and...

mothridden

2009-03-04T23:17:00.004-05:00

what started out whole
is bitten and torn

missing pieces
I make my family

hopefull

2009-03-03T23:33:00.003-05:00

Originally uploaded by hlkljgk

testing one two three

2009-03-02T18:29:00.005-05:00

I said aloud
it'll be easy not to call
easy not to miss
but I forgot how lonely
afternoons can be
when the baby sleeps
and the only thing to look forward to
is night and the quiet of sleeping

rocks in my pockets

2009-02-26T13:56:00.002-05:00

weighted down
my heavy soul
wanting bright eyes
working towards the confidence to smile
to show the light
I know it's there
my friends tell me

a ship with no harbor

2009-02-25T01:14:00.006-05:00

every night of loneliness
feels like the first
the pain
the sting
may never dull
I find no comfort here
I could call
you wouldn't come
shouldn't come
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor
are temporary band aids any good?
should I ask you
to aid in the healing
I'm not sure
and I'll never know
because decisions have been made
you are not my shoulder
are not my shelter
my harbor

wishes make poor companions

2009-02-24T21:27:00.004-05:00

I want to be well
am I well?

I want you to be well
please be well

be well for you
be well for her
she needs you

and I don't know what I need
-not that you asked

I look in the mirror and I wish
I wish I was beautiful again
I wish my belly was round
and high
and he was here to love us

I wish I didn't cry
every night

I wish you didn't feel pity

I wish I could feel

I wish I could touch

I wish I could see

I wish I was stronger
don't I?

I wish I

I wish I could let go
of so much

I wish there was something more real
than wishes to keep me company tonight

but love is gone

and the cool night wind

2009-02-24T20:39:00.007-05:00

I have memories
tangled in Orion's belt

they are chilly
and smell of red wine

new
sweet
and complicated

softening
what could have been sharp

I'm thankful
I'm gracious

for time given to
shared with
me
and the cool night wind

good for my heart

2009-02-23T18:43:00.004-05:00

tiny fingers
tiny nose
tiny ears
tiny toes

there's one thing
I know for sure

her tiny heart
is good for mine

warm lights and the scent of flowers

2009-02-22T16:21:00.009-05:00

A week spent silenced by insecurities
I should use my voice more often
if it didn't run so deep
if my feelings were kept up on that shelf
safely distanced
I could have been spared
and I should have spared myself, perhaps
but that is so against my grain
and now the goal
gain some grace
end this chapter
peacefully, gently, smoothly
make it easy to close the book
make it easier to open the next one
learn to transition
to make a graceful exit
stop grasping
to feelings that aren't there
give a smile
take a bow
and exit

( photo courtesy of Ray Parnova )

a thousand words

2009-02-21T16:58:00.001-05:00

( photo couretsey of BobL2008 )

brew

2009-02-20T12:49:00.003-05:00

I feel myself

growing

very still

very quiet

as the sky

before a great storm

midnight

2009-02-19T14:11:00.006-05:00

A midnight dance
my two left feet
on the patio
alone
yet
not so very

the falling leaves
are the song
and the breeze
fills

let's discover
if one can extinguish and dance

going back

2009-02-18T22:35:00.005-05:00

lately I reminisce
remembering how as a child
wrapped in a warm towel clean after a bath
I would point my nose to the ceiling and shake my head slowly back and forth tickle my spine with the ends of my blond wisps
and wish my mom would let me grow out my hair
I seek to reconnect with such simple pleasures
I see my own daughter examine a dried leaf
she watches it tumbling
driven by the breeze
to be enraptured by something so simple
I want to be that intent focused on enjoying the small
I wonder how we went from aching for the simple thrill of finding your hand in another's grasp
to wanting so much more flesh
almost insatiably
and I wonder
how does one go back

Oracle

2009-02-18T12:03:00.006-05:00

My question :
where is honesty safe
here?
probably not.

I think back on where it was last safe
where it wasn't used to sting
manipulate
control

I try and recreate the moment
but my trusted hearts are gone
one component remains
myself
and integrity

my question remains the same
where is honesty safe?

chocolate advice

2009-02-17T18:52:00.005-05:00

that look doesn’t suit you sweetie

your eyes are meant to shine

your plain-view words are meant to share

teach

heal

not for highlighting another’s misfortune

while you have the right to enjoy

your new found sense

this satisfaction you feel

keep it secret

keep it safe

follow the chocolate’s advice

and be a little mysterious

4 'oclock rain

2009-02-16T16:41:00.003-05:00

it seems words
no longer assist
but destroy
where now does my
soul rest

pale and willful

2009-02-16T15:43:00.003-05:00

If this wandering
takes 40 years
I will wake up
and old maid

which way is out of this desert
where my skin burns
my belly aches
sun-sick

too willful
for sunscreen

spell it out

2009-02-15T22:44:00.007-05:00

words fail
broken sentences
run away
language come back
you 26 are all I have